November 2003 Archives

Scout's Honor

I'm watching Survivor tonight because of long, boring technical issues nobody needs to know about, and the point is, all these clowns are new to me, like the hippie slob who prattled on about how he liked to "be able to fill people up" -- and just hearing that makes me dread what the next peek at his subconscious will be like -- and the chattering little girls, and the marketing guy who is clearly hoping to be the evil mastermind who's also a people person. And then there's this Lill person, who's prancing around the island in a Boy Scout uniform.

The Boy Scouts of America are apparently okay with this, which boggles my mind. This is the same organization that boots fine, upstanding young men who happen to be gay or atheist, but they apparently have no problem with letting some woman in their uniform run around on a reality show, holding conversations in which she advocates lying and scheming against people and generally disregarding the trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly and courteous parts of the Boy Scout Law, what with their notes: "A Scout tells the truth. He is honest ..." and "A Scout is true " and "[he] willingly volunteers to help others without expecting payment or reward" and "[he] treats others as he wants to be treated."

I can see cutting Lill some slack on "A Scout is clean," since it's not like Kohler is co-sponsoring the show. But I am still baffled how a national organization can drive out otherwise outstanding young men for failing to conform to an ideal of pious heterosexuality and yet let a representative wear their uniform on national television as she schemes for cash money.

O, Survivor, damn you for making me question civic institutions!

On Codgerdom

My husband and I recently moved several hundred miles, an experience fraught with irritation and calamity. But our lives began to take a turn for the better once the movers finally came and by the time the folks from Comcast arrived to give us sweet, sweet cable, life was almost back to normal again.

It's "almost" because we no longer have Starz! and therefore have lost our steady stream of crap movies at all hours, and "almost" because all my favorite channels now have different numbers on the dial. However, there are compensations: we now get VH-1 Classic. The fifth-grader I was twenty years ago is squealing with glee, as my most fervent wish in 1983 was to have cable and to be able to watch as many rock videos as I wanted without anyone bossing me around. Now I can.

However, rather than lapsing into a state of Proustean nostalgia fueled by the near-otherworldly experience of seeing Sting perform music before he got all boring and tantric, VH-1 Classic has only made me feel old and creaky. If it's not watching the Stevie Wonder video for "I Just Called To Say I Love You" and thinking about how I have screensavers with better special effects, it's watching a fresh-faced Whitney Houston singing about getting emotional or seeing a day-glo George Michael bopping across stage, then wondering how in the hell these formerly attractive and vibrant young people turned into plasticized C-listers with legal troubles. I see VH-1 Classic, and I see a lot of reminders that I have am not nearly so young and immortal as I would like to believe I am.

What really convinced me that VH-1 Classic was the television equivalent of a golden oldies station was a bumper promo. The caption tells us it's someone's history class in 1986, and as an off-screen voice drones on about manifest destiny, we see someone sketching a picture of Billy Idol, labeled "Rebel Yell." Substitute "geometry class" for "history class" and the transcribed lyrics, "It's death for no reason/And death for no reason is MURDER" for a bad pencil drawing of Billy Idol and you've got ... well, everyone I knew as a freshman in high school. Watching that bumper does not make me feel wistful for the heady days of adolescence; it reminds me that fifteen years ago, MTV cared about me as a viewer, but now I have been shunted to the Viacom franchise that serves willfully nostalgic codgers. VH-1 Classic is what finally made me feel too old for MTV.

There's a piece in the Washington Monthly lamenting the shift in MTV's programming and arguing that it reflects teenagers who are somehow less hip than all of us for whom MTV was synonymous with a wider, cooler world back in the 1980s. You'd think that VH-1 Classic would support that thesis; after all, it is effectively a video archive that captures the evolution of the music video's commericial form over the course of a decade. Was MTV cooler in the 1980s?

Frankly, no, and I'm not just saying that because it's still about five years too early to begin passing off shoulder pads and potato chip-sized earrings as vintage chic. The videos pretty much confirm that MTV's real genius is and was in staying about ten minutes ahead of where pop culture was headed, and blowing by the past without regret.

Despite making me feel old as the hills, VH-1 Classic has done me one favor by pointing out that MTV's mutability is ultimately a much better thing, because it at least recognizes the almost mythical necessity to revitalize a form by blowing it apart. I shudder to imagine a world in which elaborate fantasy sequences, vast banks of synthesizers and saxophone sequences are the norm. Although I am a little disappointed to discover that I can't happily slip into the bliss I was sure awaited me once I could watch all the rock videos I wanted, I'm more relieved. The past is another country -- and it's fun to visit the moment the Big Country videos come on -- but I don't want to live there.

Saving Jessica Lynch -- From NBC

Is there a way we can save Jessica Lynch from a crappy NBC made-for-TV movie?

I object to the fact that I know the name of Jessica Lynch. I object to the fact that the Daily News is trumpeting that she was raped by her captors. And I object to the fact that NBC has essentially announced itself as a propaganda arm of the Pentagon with this Saving Jessica Lynch TV movie.

Could the Pentagon have asked, could they even have arranged, a better story for the folks back home? One that would distract everyone from feeling uneasy and discomfited by thoughts of a nasty war abroad? Jessica Lynch's story has everything going for it: An attractive woman, the perfect symbol of the New Army, captured in the line of duty, brutalized by our barbaric enemy, saved in a daring rescue operation, filmed as it happened!

It's obvious, of course, that this event would have gotten a lot less attention if it had been an overweight unshaven guy from the motor pool who'd been captured, raped, beaten, and rescued. I think it's even pretty obvious that the daring rescue of Jake Lynch might not have been filmed.

So how many other American soldiers were captured? Would we expect the Iraqis to be nice to them? Do beatings and rapings during wartime surprise us? It's war, after all. Soldiers are in the business of hurting people, sometimes even killing them. Are we supposed to be shocked? Why don't we have TV movies of the week being made about each captured soldier? How about one for every Iraqi who got hurt during the war? Are we supposed to believe that no American soldiers did anything bad?

To her credit, Jessica Lynch is on record as saying she thinks this is all pretty shameless, too, at least according to AP quoting an interview between Lynch and Diane Sawyer. I, for one, would like to thank Jessica Lynch for saying so, because it must be very hard for her. I'm sure a lot of people -- a lot of powerful people, both in her life and in the world at large -- do not want her saying such things. I imagine it would have been easy to just sit back and let the accolades wash over her, to pretend to herself that she really is somehow more important than all the little people who don't get TV movies made out of their lives. Instead, she's willing to say, "It's wrong."

Why the people in charge at NBC and the Pentagon don't know this is something to think about.

I'm not saying I think Lynch is such a great person. I don't know her. She could be wonderful, she could be annoying. I don't know. And she is, after all, selling a book. I'm not sure why she thinks the book is okay, other than perhaps she wants there to be a "correct" account of what happened. On the other hand, I've read a paragraph or two from the book, and purpler prose could not be found. Whatever her virtues or faults, she could have found a better writer to handle her biography.

But she's caught in a bad position, as the unwilling poster girl for the new generation of Army recruiting commercials.

CSI Misses the Jackpot

As a native Nevadan, I've been ambivalent about CSI. Sure, it's neat that a major show is set in my eternally-belittled home state... but CSI is set in Vegas, which kinda sucks. See, I'm from Reno, and there's little love lost between the northern and southern Nevada: we don't care much for uppity yahoos from Vegas, and the feeling's largely mutual. 'Ceptin they probably don't call us anything as polite as "uppity yahoos." And it seems to rain a lot on CSI, which seems wrong.

So I was kinda psyched last night when CSI set off for Jackpot, Nevada for a sorta Halloweeny episode with Jeff Combs. "Where's that?" asks Marg Helgenberger. "Due north," I mutter at the TV, "'bout an hour past Wells on old 93, just this side of Idaho." And there goes William Petersen, off to see a man about a head he got in the mail. Is he aware it's a nine or ten hour drive from Vegas? Are the writers aware of that? Doesn't seem like it: Nevada ain't a small state, and that trip is the long axis. And when he gets to Jackpot, it's utterly wrong. The real Jackpot is tiny, and was a highway stop until it officially incorporated around 1960; it largely ekes by on gaming and recreation traffic from Idaho. Jackpot is high desert -- it's sheep and horse and cow and cowboy country. Last time I was through, a lot of it was unmanaged Federal land and open range. It's hills, valleys, rocks, cheet grass, sage, and scrub -- rough and tumble and breathtaking in its own way -- not spruce, pine, and white fir. Sure, you might find a small site with aspen and pine (like the site where this week's body was partly buried) but it's gonna be at like 8,000 feet or higher, in a "desert island" in the mountains with a spring feeding it, and it ain't gonna be in body-dragging distance of a well-maintained road. CSI's Jackpot had fir and spruce trees all over town and surrounding roads. The intrepid Mr. Petersen twice drives past a reservoir, but the nearest reservoirs are in Idaho and they aren't on major thoroughfares: I don't recall access being paved. There are lawns and big deciduous trees, which, except for a country club or a casino, don't really exist in Jackpot. CSI might be in southern California, but it sure as heck ain't in northeastern Nevada - oh, hey, wait! Didn't I see that reservoir on the news last week? Something about wildfires? Why, yes! That's Big Bear Lake, and, I think, the town of Fawnskin, California! You uppity Vegas yoinks.

Sigh. A note to CSI writer/producer Naren Shankar: nothing personal, but next time you get a chance for a location shoot and want to pull some ode-to-Deliverance town out of thin air, make it a fictional town, OK?

"Tarzan": Burroughs in the Boroughs

A month ago, my only mental note regarding The WB's new Tarzan television series was to avoid it altogether. After all, it's on opposite Goren's Crooked Neck (sometimes called Law & Order: Criminal Intent) and it seems I'm doomed to watch -- or at least record over -- just about anything featuring Vincent D'Onofrio. But I wasn't opposed to the idea of a Tarzan series in principle: as hokey as the Tarzan name and legend have become, I've always thought there were a number of ways Tarzan could be meaningfully redone in a contemporary setting. After all, what was there to lose? In recent years, Tarzan has been treated to live action and animated fare featuring the likes of Bo Derek, Joe Lara, the vocal stylings of Michael T. Weiss, and the saccharine sonic input of Phil Collins. (I'll omit Christopher Lambert's 1984 turn as Tarzan, which had some merit.) Bottom line: Tarzan pretty much has nowhere to go but up.

So I wasn't entirely surprised that the WB -- after spawning successful genre hits like Buffy, Angel, Smallville, Roswell, and, um, Charmed -- decided to take on Tarzan. I was even slightly impressed that the series was to be set in a modern-day New York City, rather than a fictional California suburban enclave or a small town in the Carolinas with a creek running through it. But as soon as I learned that they'd cast 24 year-old Travis Fimmel, a former digitally-enhanced Calvin Klein underwear model with no acting credits, as The Ape Man, I wrote the whole thing off. Even later announcements that The X-Files Mitch Pileggi and Xena's Lucy Lawless would be butting heads as supporting characters failed to draw my interest. In my mind, the project was already doomed to being a rehash of Beastmaster, built on slow-motion pans across Monosyllabic Beefcake Boy's six-pack abs. Pilot episode: muddy, sweaty abs! Episode One: Soapy abs! Episode Two: Sweaty abs! Episode Three (sweeps): Butt Cheek Alert! And so on, all to the plaintive strains of twenty-something angsty singer-songwriters who just happen to be on Warner Music labels.

[OK, I'm being harsh. WB shows license music from non-Warner Music labels, and even indie artists, and some of it is even pretty good. My apologies to Holly. But I stand by my condemnation of Disrobed Hunky Boy/Anorexic Girl Music Segments.]

Then something funny happened, called the World Series. Not wanting to waste first-run programming by running it against the Almighty Ratings Juggernaut represented by beer-nut-crazed sports aficionados and their pavlovian crap-flinging, cowardly NBC broadcast a re-run of Goren's Crooked Neck in lieu of the promised all-new episode. Dagnabbit! And there I was, all set, being smothered on the couch by the combined weight of my feline masters, with an hour before bedtime and with only the ability to adjust channels and volume. Dadgummit. Click. Baseball. Click! Some silly spy show. Click. Some silly home improvement show. Click. Hey, it's a cop show filmed in Toronto! (I've never been to either place, but even I can tell Queen's Park from Central Park.) I wonder what this might be... oh, crap! There's the Underwear Hunk! Click click click!

But you have to understand. The cats were thoroughly ensconced. They have all their claws, which hadn't (ow) been trimmed lately, and they knew it wasn't bedtime yet. I wasn't going anywhere. And there was nothing else on.

Click. So. Travis Fimmel.

The premise of Tarzan is that two year-old John Clayton survives a plane crash in Africa which kills his parents. But instead of dying of exposure, starvation, disease, or bad luck, John grows up amongst wild animals and apes. Eighteen years after the plane crash, John's uncle Richard Clayton (Mitch Pileggi) finally locates and captures John, returning him to New York City. Richard Clayton is the CEO of the Greystoke Industries, a multi-billion-dollar company of an unspecified nature. Richard Clayton's interest in John is difficult to understand -- he seems motivated in part by a sincere desire to "rescue" his nephew and provide for him the blue-blooded captain-of-industry role which would have been his if that plane hadn't crashed. But Richard's also trying to preserve his own control of Greystoke Industries: Richard Clayton has been running the show since the death of John's parents, but John is the direct heir, and Richard would rather John be a pliable pawn than an enemy.

So what happens? John quickly uses his jungle wiles to escape Uncle Richard, and finds himself a homeless monkey-out-of-the-trees in New York City, where he doesn't know a soul, doesn't know how anything works, and doesn't know what to do. Naive, instinctual, law-of-the-jungle boy that he is, it doesn't take him long to cross paths with the cops, in this case embodied by Detective Michael Foster (Johnny Messner), his significant other, the fiery redhead Officer Jane Porter (Sarah Wayne Callies) and her partner Officer Sam Sullivan (Miguel Nuñez). John gets one whiff of Jane and immediately knows he'd like to get into some monkey business. Jane gets one whiff of Tarzan and...

...just falls apart.

See, for me, Jane is where the writing on Tarzan will live or die. Despite looking like a fashion model (which irks me: how many female cops on TV don't look like fashion models? Sheesh) Jane is fierce, determined, tough, and very much a street cop, but she's also one of those top-of-her-class, play-by-the-rules, talented, thoroughly modern women. Jane's in control of her life, in control of her career, in control of her relationships (with Detective Michael, as well as her little sister Nicki, played by Leighton Meester). Jane knows what she wants out of life: the badge, the husband, the happy family, the circle of close friends, the successful and rewarding career, the vacation home in the Hamptons. And everything's right on track... until John shows up and sniffs her. Within days her life is upside down: she's shielding a fugitive, her boyfriend is dead, she's caught in a decade's old blood feud between members of one of New York's most powerful families, she's probably going to lose her job, and this barefoot, clueless, muscle-bound boy is practically stalking her, showing up unannounced on her windowsill, lurking unseen on the rooftops everywhere she goes. And, despite her better judgement, she's drawn to him: his black-and-white morality, his absolute commitment and loyalty, his self-confidence, his utter inability to lie... and, of course, his six-pack abs. But she knows better: he's reckless, he doesn't remotely understand New York City or modern culture, he's ruthless (when he has to fight, it's the claw-and-fang method), he's easily frustrated, and he often loses control of his temper. In short, Jane is torn between her attraction to John and the overwhelming evidence of common sense. Common sense would easily be the winner, except that Jane feels responsible for John's circumstances. Sure, John dug part of his own hole, but he did so out of naivete: to an extent, John's predicament is the result of Jane's actions, and Jane feels she should have known better. So, for Jane, abandoning John would be wrong: thus, common sense gets put off another week. When the scripts let her, Sarah Callie is wonderful at depicting Jane's predicament: you can see the conflict in her eyes, and that she sets it aside to resolve whatever crisis is facing the characters at the moment.

For now, the show's situation has stabilized with the introduction of Kathleen Clayton (Lucy Lawless), John's aunt and estranged sister of Uncle Richard. Kathleen is supposedly a wealthy newspaper publisher, although we've seen little evidence of that on camera: for now, her function is to wear pastels, provide John a place to stay (a conveniently jungle-like over-grown hothouse at the top of her palatial family home), occupy her living room set in a scene or two an episode, and put on a tearful, pensive face as she lets John choose his own path rather than trying to mold him. A far cry from the Xena versus Tarzan showdown some fans may have wanted! It's likely Kathleen will play a larger role in upcoming episodes (it'd be a shame if she didn't) but Kathleen's days are numbered: Lucy Lawless has a separate development deal with Warner Brothers, so expect Kathleen to be gone by the Tarzan season finale: interesting story developments could stem from her (apparent?) death at the hands of any of the other major characters. I vote for Jane.

[And for fanfreaks out there: I gave up on The X-Files long before Lawless did a guest-starring role, so I don't know if she and Mitch Pileggi shared the screen before Tarzan. But I do know Lawless studied acting in Vancouver B.C. at the William Davis Center for Actors. Yes, that William B. Davis. So there. Nyah.]

So Tarzan has the will-they-or-won't-they tension between John and Jane, plus the epic-sized family battle waging over who controls John's fate now that he's back in civilization. Against this backdrop, the writers seem to be turning Tarzan into a combination of an adventure show and a crime drama, with weekly episodes largely focusing on Jane's police cases and John's puppy-dog eagerness to help Jane however he can. One week it's an abducted child; one week it's a sniper; one week it's a sexual predator. John's able to use his jungle super-powers to save lives and do the right thing on several occasions; he's also caused Jane and others trouble and grief, mostly from unintended consequences. John doesn't mean to cause trouble; he just can't see it coming.

And it's in these weekly stories that Tarzan tends to lose its grip on reality. Where shows like Xena, Buffy, and Smallville have supernatural and otherworldly elements as key components of their premise, Tarzan has to fall back on John's mystical primitive jungle mojo to make many of its stories work. Need to head off a criminal's escape? No problem: John will follow his car, unseen, on foot, for untold miles through the city, then anticipate the criminal's destination and cut him of at a natural choke-point (a bridge). Learned that in the rain forest, did ya? Need to track a missing child? John will follow his scent for miles, to a junk yard, then pick out the car trunk where the villain stashed the child. Things like this wouldn't be out off place on a show where gods walk the earth, your main character is an alien, or one of your main characters runs a magic shop and can pluck needed mystical items off the special shelf upstairs. But in a show where the title character is supposed to be as human as everyone else -- just with a better wax job -- credibility can get strained a little too far. It's one thing for John to have unique, special skills and abilities: it's another thing for plots to rely on them to such an extreme degree.

But I haven't told you about what may be the best part of the show. As much as I'm shocked to be saying it, it's Travis Fimmel.

For an Australian farm boy with no acting credits aside from modelling, Fimmel seems to have been well cast as John Clayton. (And to the writers' credit, the name Tarzan basically doesn't appear anywhere but in the credits.) First and foremost, Fimmel is tremendously physical in the role. He's doing many of his own stunts (you can tell, because the editors milk them in slow motion so you can be sure to see his face). His balance is apparently spectacular: Fimmel really is leaping around junk yards and going through New York alleys barefoot (the show is largely shot in Toronto, but they've spent some money on location shots in New York). I have no idea how much Fimmel's been coached and trained, but he conveys a very chimp-like manner to his motions and action sequences. When he leaps, he lands solidly with both feet and doesn't waver: precisely the skill needed to land on a branch in a forest, or the ledge of a building. When he fights (which isn't as often as you'd think) or when he's moving rapidly over uneven ground, he's immediately low to the ground, like a chimp, nearly on all fours and covering ground quickly. In a fight, there are no rules: full body checks are fine; teeth are fine; battering an opponent who's down is expected. When he hangs by one arm, the arm is relaxed; when he needs to climb, he conserves motion marvelously and his torso seems to be doing much of the work. This is no swimmer who's put on a loincloth and is carefully swinging from fake-vine to fake-vine, or an actor being obviously being swung around on wires (although there is some wire work in the show): Fimmel's actually kind of astonishing, and it lends substantial credibility to what could easily be an unbelievable character.

But it's not just Fimmel's large-scale physical motions; again, I have no idea to what degree these are Fimmel's own characterizations or his coaching, but John Clayton stands too close to everybody, leaving them only a few inches of personal space in front of their face. John doesn't slouch, sit, lean, or put his hands in pockets: he's either upright, squatting, or has wedged himself into a window or against a wall. He doesn't understand furniture: doors and windows make sense, but chairs seem to baffle him. He has no use for shoes, and has yet to make use of pockets. When he's intent on a person -- whether that be Uncle Richard, Jane, or someone else -- he doesn't blink.

I'm not saying these constitute astonishing acting chops: so far, the scripts haven't let John Clayton sound too many notes other than anger, confusion, righteous jungle-vibe, and smoldering jungle-vibe. But there aren't too many other notes for the traditional Tarzan character, save kindness to animals and those in need. If Fimmel can handle it, the writers will give John Clayton some more material -- and possibly dare to move past the will-they-or-won't-they issue with John and Jane. (The writers could do a lot worse than looking at how Farscape handled that issue... and a lot better than looking at Moonlighting. But if the show stays on the air, I certainly hope they aren't dancing around it three seasons from now.)

So, if you get a chance -- and are willing to look past a few caressingly slow-motion shots of a shirtless Travis Fimmel and possibly some non-credible plot points surrounding John Clayton's jungle super-powers -- the WB's Tarzan isn't as bad as it could be, and it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Just remember: the WB could have decided to do John Carter of Mars... I wonder if Noah Wyle would be available for that when ER finally totters off into oblivion?

Congratulations, Dave

Felicitations to Dave, Regina, and baby Harry. Can play dates with Neve O'Brien be far behind?

Sick of American Drama? Try "Da Vinci's Inquest."

Most ranting and raving and criticizing about television has an implicit assumption: the rants are about American television. Sure, "American television" is a weird term these days, since shows like Survivor, Big Brother, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Trading Spaces, Coupling, and others are reworked versions of television programming produced elsewhere, usually for the BBC. But references to the original shows or other (ahem) "un-American programming" are usually offhanded and derogatory: this stuff doesn't really matter, they imply, but we're referring to it so you know how erudite we are.

Although I am by most measures a United States citizen and therefore a consumer of American television, I'm writing now about a Canadian television program, Da Vinci's Inquest. If you're an American who happens to receive CBC television over the air or via cable, satellite, or another of those high-falutin' technological whatsamajigger services, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

Of course, if you're Canadian, you can stop reading right now. You've already heard of DaVinci's Inquest -- in fact, you've probably heard way too much about it. The show is entering its sixth season, and it's one of the highest-rated and most-lauded television programs in Canadian history. Some of its cast members have become national celebrities, the show regularly sweeps up armfuls of Gemini awards (the Canadian Emmy) every year, and Nick Campbell's leering face almost seems to be part of the CBC brand, right next to Peter Mansbridge (sort of a combination Tom Brokaw/Peter Jennings for Canada). In Canada, the show is practically inescapable.

But for us ignorant Americans, here's a rundown:

The show centers on Vancouver coroner Dominic Da Vinci (played by veteran actor Nicholas Campbell), an opinionated, irascible, world-weary former police detective, as he investigates deaths and the lives surrounding the deceased. Unlike the multitude of television shows and movies filmed in Vancouver (which use the city as a stand-in for another location), Da Vinci's Inquest is actually set in Vancouver, often focusing on the downtown east side. Per capita, the community is one of the most impoverished in Canada, and, although it has positive aspects, it's also a been haven for drug abuse, prostitution, and homelessness.

Before you start thinking Da Vinci is a rehash of Quincy, Crossing Jordan, or some show with CSI in its name, there are a couple things to bear in mind. First, Da Vinci debuted in 1998 and thus substantially pre-dates Crossing Jordan and CSI -- if anything, those shows are influenced by Da Vinci's Inquest, not the other way around. Second, while Quincy was an aging wannabe-ladies-man with a heart of gold, his world was embarrassingly straightforward and antiseptic compared to the legal, moral, and personal ambiguity DaVinci faces every episode -- and that's leaving aside the equally convoluted situations surrounding the rest of the characters, who are very much equal partners in the show rather than sidekicks to Da Vinci. In Quincy, every episode wrapped neatly; in Da Vinci, viewers are often left with more questions than answers -- and many of the questions are contradictory.

And here's another twist: the character of Dominic Da Vinci is based loosely on Larry Campbell (no relation to Nick Campbell), a controversial former chief coroner for British Colombia who is currently Vancouver's mayor. While Da Vinci and Larry Campbell have a few things in common -- both advocate regulated red light districts, for example -- Da Vinci isn't simply a fictionalized tribute to Larry Campbell. Heck, if I were Larry Campbell, the Da Vinci character would offend me: Da Vinci is a sexist, occasionally bigoted, insensitive, often boorish former(?) drunk who's all-too-quick to jump to conclusions, point fingers, and assign blame. And yet Larry Campbell has writing credits on a handful of early Da Vinci episodes (all produced before he became Vancouver mayor, to my knowledge). Da Vinci's Inquest was created by Chris Haddock, who, not coincidentally, is the creator of CBS's new drama about undercover FBI agents, The Handler.

Storylines on Da Vinci's Inquest tend to span multiple episodes and even multiple seasons; some end firmly in an arrest or closing of a case, while others just peter away, leaving you wondering (along with the characters) if anything really resolved, or if something is going to come back and bite you in the ass next week, or the week after... or the year after. Sometimes, stories do both: just because it's not on camera doesn't mean it's over and done. Da Vinci's writing is unusual, top-notch stuff: stories can proceed from what may seem the most boring of crime-show premises ("oh, missing prostitutes again, ho hum") to a multi-season-spanning arc as a detective, not without doubts, risks her career, the department budget, and the lives of her informants and fellow officers to flush out a murderer. The whole time, viewers -- and her fellow cops -- have no idea whether she's doing the right thing, and when she mis-steps (repeatedly), you get an almost visceral sense of the fears the detective is facing: personal and professional failure, failing oft-ignored crime victims, abusing her position, doing the wrong thing, and -- at one point -- even fear for her life. Unlike CSI, stories on Da Vinci's Inquest don't turn on the chemical properties of some synthetic fabric under ultraviolet light after it's been exposed to earwax from an albino dwarf with a rare liver condition: instead, you're on the edge of your seat wondering whether a teenage prostitute cum police informant really thinks she can play two cops against each other, or whether the next time you see her will be when she turns up OD'd in an alley.

Some episodes take major risks with format and content, such as when young detective Mick Leary extracts a confession from a murderer over an all-night, whisky-fueled poker game, or the lead pathologist pursues a possibly genocidal effort to sterilize aboriginal women only to find its perpetrator, now long-retired, still knows his name but that's about all: he has no memory of his actions. Because Canadian broadcast regulations are different from standards and practices enforced by American networks, Da Vinci's Inquest can get away with things that were exclusively the province of premium cable services or (very recently) late-night basic cable: the series' first season arc features a sequence in which a prostitute is murdered by alcohol poisoning which has to be one of the most horrific scenes ever put on television. One third season episode -- It's Backwards Day, initially conceived out of a budget crunch -- takes place in real time, with Da Vinci at one end of an alley and detectives Leary and Shannon at the other, and the entire first act is one continuous take.

Some cases are deliberately annoying. Da Vinci spent a better part of a season pursuing a bureaucratic nightmare involving the construction of a parking lot: not what you'd usually consider appointment television. But building the parking lot entailed removing and re-interning graves in a small cemetery, and guess what was found in one of the graves? Two bodies. Whose bodies are these? What's the right thing to do? How to investigate commingled remains in a thirty year-old grave? Of course, the developers aren't happy about having their work shut down, and apply pressure to politicians who, of course, lean hard on the coroner's office to sweep it under the rug. And some stories highlight that police and the coroner's office face cruelty, disappointment, anger, and grief every day, and no amount of law, justice, or money can fix everything. A man loses his daughter in a tragic house fire which looks for all the world to have been an accident: unable to accept that, he continually shows up at Da Vinci's office, politely yet insistently asking about the status of the investigation into his daughter's murder. Then he appears at the scene of another house fire where a death occurred, taking pictures, in his mind trying to make sure the coroner's office doesn't ignore this case like his daughter's.

And it's not as if Da Vinci's Inquest is all overcast, rain-soaked Vancouver days and dark, rain-soaked Vancouver nights: there's a fair bit of humor in the series. Some comes from Chick, a crime scene investigator played with an almost naive enthusiasm by veteran actor Alex Diakun, and the dynamic between aged, old-boy detective Leo Shannon and his younger, too-smart-for-his-own-good partner Mick Leary easily beats anything you've seen on Law & Order or NYPD Blue, occasionally with hysterical results. And Da Vinci's scatterbrained interaction with his administrative assistant Helen -- played charmingly by Sarah Strange -- is always a highlight.

Which brings us to Da Vinci's cast. As strong as the Da Vinci's Inquest writing is, it's brought to life by astonishingly good actors, who often don't know what's happening to their characters until they start shooting. If you've seen television or films produced in Canada in the last 15 years -- and who hasn't? -- you've probably seen all these people before: they're the character actors who populate almost every television series and movie shot in the Toronto and Vancouver area. Seen a silly sci-fi show for kids made since 1990? These folks have probably been on it. The cast is headed up by Nicholas Campbell as Da Vinci. Campbell's among the least visible of the Da Vinci's cast to American TV audiences (he recently turned up on an episode of Monk), although he's done an astonishing number of TV movies, independent films, and Canadian projects (Naked Lunch, Street Legal, Major Crime, etc.) and he may be most known for writing and directing his biography of Peter Tosh, Stepping Razor. (And once you know his face, you can see him slip by in things as far back as Space: 1999, The Spy Who Loved Me, and the original Dead Zone.) Campbell's alternately haggard, crusty, and gallant demeanor lend themselves well to the Da Vinci character, and he's won lots of awards for his performance. Campbell's good, but he's the lead: he's supposed to be good.

For my money, I prefer the rest of the cast, particularly the "police contingent" currently embodied by Donnelly Rhodes, Ian Tracey, Sarah Jane Redmond, Venus Terzo, and Kim Hawthorne. Rhodes plays Detective Leo Shannon, a homicide cop nearing retirement: he's lived in Vancouver his whole life, but as the city changes he's becoming an alien and anachronism there: now his boss is a woman, his partner's "mixing the races" in his romantic life, whole neighborhoods are going downhill, and he's had to institutionalize his wife who suffers from Alzheimer's. He's a good cop, but he's a dean of the old school with some major skeletons in his closet: Rhodes has also won awards for his role. The standout in the cast to my mind is Ian Tracey - who you've seen in everything, trust me -- who plays Mick Leary, a young cop promoted early to detective and partnered with Shannon on the basis of his technical skills. Over the seasons, we've watched Leary evolve from naiveté to a dedicated, humane, and very competent investigator... only to watch him fall apart following the death of a young female officer, in which he may (or may not!) have been more culpable than we know. Things ain't looking good for Mick, but it's great watching how Ian Tracey takes him there. Kim Hawthorne plays recent addition Rose Williams, a vice cop looking to get transferred to homicide. When she shows up, you think: oh good, the writers have inserted a character to play against grey-haired, cantankerous Shannon, who will dislike her because she's a woman, she's young, she's black, and she wants his job. And that's what Shannon thinks. But instead, we realize Williams is a good cop who's not looking to put one over on Shannon or anyone else, and -- as Shannon's partner Leary falls apart, he looks to be the one who will be left twisting in the wind.

Venus Terzo and Sarah Jane Redmond -- who you've also seen (and in Terzo's case, heard) in everything, trust me -- suffer from a common problem among female television cops: they're too attractive. In Terzo's case, I had trouble believing her Angela Kosmo was a detective, as her model-good-looks and first season storyline (involving her romantically with Leary's undercover-cop brother, Danny, wonderfully played by underrated actor Max Martini, who you saw die horribly in Saving Private Ryan) undermined her credibility. But, rather than ditching the character, Da Vinci's writers turned her around, giving her a thankless, near-impossible assignment (investigating the basically-ignored deaths of prostitutes), no partner, and precious little help. And Terzo quickly proved she can carry Detective Kosmo anywhere -- and just to seal the package, Kosmo had to deal with Danny Leary again, this time as the one yanking his chain: the difference was like night and day. Conversely, Sarah Jane Redmond (who became well known in the U.S. as the Devil on Millennium) plays Sergeant Kurtz, who heads up the homicide squad following the suicide of its former sergeant. Kurtz is very aware that she's a woman in a man's world, but she's proven an able leader, overcoming her initial instinct to put Leo Shannon out to pasture, able to participate closely in a case when needed, yet willing to give her detectives the space to do their jobs. Kurtz's fatal flaw may be that she doesn't know enough about her people -- particularly Shannon and Leary. Kurtz was also the subject of last season's most bizarre storyline, wherein she became the fixation of a mentally disturbed female neighbor. The primary thing which made the story compelling -- even possible -- was Redmond's ability to convey Kurtz's continuing astonishment that it was happening at all.

It wouldn't be a show about a coroner without a morgue, and that means pathologists. In the first three seasons, the show's head pathologist was Patricia Da Vinci -- the main character's ex-wife -- played by Gwynyth Walsh. As you might expect, the two Da Vinci's bump heads over both personal and professional issues, and over their daughter Gabriella, played in the first two seasons by FireFly's Jewel Staite. Since Patricia's departure to teach pathology, we've had fewer scenes staged around bodies on slabs, and the morgue has been headed up by Sunita "Sunny" Ramen, played by Sue Mathew. Sunny is, unfortunately, the most under-developed central character of Da Vinci's Inquest: a competent investigator who sticks to her guns, she and Detective Leary were romantically linked until Leary started cracking up: I don't think either of them knows what the status of their relationship might be right now. Sunny is most marked by her tendency not to rush to judgment: she always seems aware there are possibilities which haven't been pursued yet.

A slew of other talented and well-known Canadian actors have gone through Da Vinci's Inquest: Da Vinci's boss was originally played by Robert Wisdon (oft-recognized as "the pusher" in a few X-Files episodes); Gerard Plunkett is the new Chief Coroner. Stephen Miller (you'd know him if you saw his picture!) plays detective Zack McNab, whose scenes sparring with Da Vinci over alternate theories of traffic events can be fall-down funny. Although not strictly Canadian, Matt Frewer of Max Headroom fame did a disturbing multi-episode arc in the second season (although for some people, anything Matt Frewer does is disturbing). Peter Williams appeared in three seasons as erstwhile-but-still-learning assistant coroner Morris Winston, and Lee Jay Bamberry has popped up as the cocksure Montreal police detective Roy LaBoucane.

Enough: none of this conveys the essence of Da Vinci's Inquest. The show can be gritty like grinding bones, smooth and companionable, utterly unsentimental, and socially conscious all at the same time. Every episode features multiple stories, although it's unlikely that many -- or even any of them -- will be neatly wrapped up at the end of the hour. The stories are plot-driven -- like most police procedurals, they rely on certain events happening in a particular order -- but they do not unfold like carefully plotted tales: instead, characters can spend months trying to figure out their next move, or have something utterly unexpected suddenly sideswipe them -- just like real life. Events are inextricably tied to the characters participating in them. As a result, the pacing of Da Vinci's Inquest can be frustrating -- on more than one occasion, I've wondered if an episode had ended, or if CBC had merely screwed up its feed -- and the CBC's increasingly unfathomable broadcast schedule doesn't help things.

But Da Vinci's Inquest is worth the effort. The sixth season is scheduled to start with a two-hour episode Sunday, November 23, and then appear at 9 PM Sundays on CBC until it's interrupted and rescheduled by hockey, holiday specials, the Queen visiting a relative, or Mr. Bean reruns. This year, look for Da Vinci to face promotion: rumor is he'll be a candidate for chief of police, and will have to learn to bite his tongue and play politics. Also look for Shannon and Leary be repartnered: my bet would be Shannon and Williams, while Kosmo will have to decide whether to let Leary sink or to try to help him swim. If you receive CBC, try to catch it, or at least give some thought to programming your VCR or one of those incomprehensible digital gizmo thingies. You won't regret it.

Wait, Am I Laughing at Colin Quinn?

A question has been haunting my sleep for the last few weeks: Exactly when did Colin Quinn become watchable?

It wasn't during his run as the annoying sidekick on the annoying MTV game show Remote Control, which simultaneously ripped off Wayne's World's premise and cashed in on '70s and '80s nostalgia by rewarding contestants for their recall of minutia from other, only slightly less annoying TV shows. And it damn sure wasn't during his run on Saturday Night Live, where he earned the title of Worst Weekend Update Anchor Ever, an accomplishment which led his fellow alumni Charles Rocket, Norm MacDonald, Brad Hall and Jimmy Fallon to say, "Curses! Foiled again!" and twirl their handlebar moustaches. In the anchor's chair, Quinn stumbled and stuttered over every punchline, which, given the quality of the writing, may have been a blessing.

Maybe it was during The Colin Quinn Show - a three-episode NBC talk show I missed - although I doubt it. When The Colin Quinn Show was picked up by Comedy Central, tweaked and renamed Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, its first few months were spent as a decent show weighted down by its lousy host. But now, that host has become... well... good.

For those who fall asleep, turn off the TV or flip over to Letterman after The Daily Show, Tough Crowd opens with a standard talk show comedy monologue. Afterward, the host and his four round table panelists discuss the issues of the day, and it's wrapped up with a sketch or two. If all that sounds familiar, you've just picked up on what every last damn reviewer of Tough Crowd has. Tough Crowd is Comedy Central's second try at Politically Incorrect. But in a role reversal for any network, Comedy Central's redub of their first breakout hit is less slick and less ready for prime time, yet more in line with the network's focus. Gone are the party line-parroting pundits, analysts, activists and talking heads. Tough Crowd's panel is all comedians. Comedy Central has also dumped its Crossfire-in-pastel set and replaced it with one made up to look like a mid-range 12th-floor apartment in Brooklyn, or, more accurately, a New York Irish pub owner's back office in an alternate reality where the bar area is the size of a kitchenette and the office is the size of a TV studio.

And smug, smarmy, smirking Bill Maher has been transmogrified into a sweatshirt-wearing, stuttering, roughnecked Brooklyn Irishman with an English degree.

The new taste is leaps and bounds over the original formula. PI-slash-Real Time with Bill Maher's comedians typically have more insightful, or at least more entertaining, observations than predictable suits and vapid TV and movie stars with their bumper sticker ideologies, anyway. And where Maher's shows tend to feel like The McLaughlin Group with one-liners - just another obnoxious show where Ivy League-educated ideologues prove they're smarter than you by shouting down each other's (misleading) statistics, (dubious) facts and (apocryphal) stories with their own - Quinn's feels like the happy hour conversation at every watering hole in America - a round robin of intentionally subjective opinions and personal anecdotes capable of dissipating into a game of snaps at any moment.

The real breath of fresh air, though, is Jim Norton, or rather, Tough Crowd's treatment of Norton. No matter how much of a loudmouth idiot the average panelist is on any round table talk show, there is always one who is a loudmouthed, idiotic cut above the rest. John McLaughlin has Pat Buchanan. Maher has Ann Coulter. And Quinn has Norton. But everyone - Norton included - reacts to him as a loudmouthed idiot. There is no pretense that Norton "raises interesting points" (although, perhaps because there is no such pretense, he does). Maher would never say to Coulter, "Shut up, dummy," (although wouldn't it be nice to visit the alternate dimension where he does?) but Quinn says it to Norton at least three times a night. And a healthy percentage of the skits involve Quinn - usually with the help of an attractive woman - showing Norton up as the sleazy, pathetic, bigoted prick he is. But even this ragging is done in a playful sense, and Norton self-deprecates and fires back with equal vigor. As a result, the most obnoxious panelist ends up being the most endearing.

And then there's Quinn again. He still stammers and stutters and seems incapable of reading off a teleprompter, but Tough Crowd makes the wise move of having fun with that. Recent skits have shown him presenting his semi-autobiographical children's book (a la Madonna) to a half-dozen seven-year-olds, playing Kobe Bryant with an attractive audience member as Kobe's anonymous accuser and auditioning would-be hiphop artists to read his rap lyrics referencing Gustav Mahler and John Updike. At the heart of all these skits is the show's central conceit:

Quinn has no business being here.

That may be the secret to Tough Crowd's appeal, though. In a country where the court of public opinion is so easily swayed by a few people at the top, who cares what five TV personalities think? Quinn and his guests never act as though anyone should. They never pretend they have all the answers, and even if they did, they never pretend it would do anyone any good. They're just goofing around. Not for enlightenment, but for entertainment.

And for a change, that's plenty good enough.

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