April 2005 Archives

Short Attention Span Blog Entry

Who else has figured out that Ashton Kutcher is the 21st century Dan Aykroyd: A decent role on a pretty good TV show is followed by starring roles in the worst movies of all time. With one exception.

Think about it. What will Ashton Kutcher's "Blues Brothers" look like?

What will Ashton's "Doctor Detroit" look like?

Now my liver hurts.

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Life on a Stick makes Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place look like Malcolm in the Middle.

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Speaking of Ryan Reynolds: This guy is definitely the poster boy for the Failing Upward Movement. Awful guest roles on TV followed by awful starring roles on TV followed by seriously dreadful roles in extremely bad movies: A formula for success!

I expect he'll be elected the President of the United States before 2024. By then we'll probably be a Third World country anyway.

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Wonder Showzen is the most twisted, bizarre television show I've ever seen. And I've seen some twisted and bizarre television. I'm not suggesting you watch it; unless, that is, you want to see something really... I'm not typing it again.

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Is someone going to take Law & Order out behind the shed and shoot it? If not, why not?

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Isn't it nice to know Josh Randall will be able to afford his crack habit again?

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All is right with the world: Bobby Flay got his ass stomped by Ming Tsai on Iron Chef America.

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You might think shows with the brilliant production values of classics like Good Times and What's Happening!! are gone from the airwaves, but you'd be wrong; they're just on Nickelodeon now.

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Note to Ashton: Can I be your agent? I'll charge half your current agency fees and I double dirty dog dare you to think of one way I'd be worse.

All the Crafts, Only a Small Part of the Deathmatch

Being a guy, I like to watch the occasional sporting event. It's not that I'm fanatical, you understand, but if a baseball game is on, I'm perfectly happy to watch it. Meanwhile, my girlfriend likes to watch craft shows. Again, you probably should be imagining someone who's out there subscribing to magazines to get the latest poop of "What's Hot in the World of Beads" or whatever; it's just that if she's already seen Deadwood and the Tivo doesn't have any interesting shows about surgery gone wrong, she'll tune in to HGTV or something.

So we were both delighted to see Craft Corner Deathmatch, which neatly combines sports and crafts for the Style Network. That's one of those triple-digit cable channels nobody's ever heard of. Their other shows include Fashion Police, Style Court (in the Style Network system, the people are represented by two equally important groups: the Fashion Police who investigate clothes and the Style Court that prosecutes the offencers),Whose Wedding Is It Anyway, and Guess Who's Coming to Decorate. They do like their clever show names at the Style Network, don't they? I can only assume that they've decided that since they're so obscure, they've got nothing to lose by being goofy. Naturally, I approve of this.

Craft Corner Deathmatch is basically a competitive crafting show: two contestants have ten minutes to make brooches out of candy or mosaic picture frames out of smashed plates or something similarly foolish. And then a panel of judges decides who did a better job, and that person gets some kind of prize. In essence, it's your standard DiY crafting show. During the crafting, there'll be a video segment in which a British voiceover explains how you too could do this at home, assuming you've always wanted to wrap your Christmas presents in stuff you had lying around the kitchen.

The clever (by which I mean "different for no earthly reason") part comes in the "Deathmatch" part of the title. The easy thing to do would be to do it up like American Gladiators, with theme music and Iron Chef entrances and the whole over-the-top ethos. But that's not quite what happens, although I confess I was kind of hoping the contestants would have to fight hand-to-hand with giant tweezers and chainsaws with handmade appliques. No, the main concession to the Deathmatch concept is: a loudmouth announcer. It's not at all unusual to have two normal contestants standing there in their aprons looking faintly embarassed while a shrieking maniac (Jason Jones, whose bio is pretty entertaining) carries on like it's Wrestlemania vs. the Super Bowl, being held in Thunderdome while the 2000 Recount is still going on. He's a little over the top, is what I'm saying.

But that's the brilliant part: that pretty much only the host (and the fifteen or twenty people in the audience) are being loud and Deathmatchy. It makes the contrast much funnier when he's shouting about the end of the world and the blood on the floor and the grudge-carrying and the trash-talking but the contestants are placidly making shoes out of wallpaper. When one of the contestants has emerged victorious, they have to face The Craft Lady of Steel, who (aside from not speaking) seems like a perfectly pleasant graduate of the Rhode Island School of Design. Frankly, the impression I get is that the producers had a normal show lined up and then Jason Jones came in to audition and didn't take the gig seriously (or took it much, much too seriously) and everyone found it hilarious and built the show around it.

There's also a helper named "Amber," whose job is to slouch about sullenly and bring out supplies. For some reason, "Amber" is played by Katie Tucker. I don't know why she's not named "Katie". She reminds me a bit of the unnamed Sullen Helper Woman on the terrible game show "Ultimate Film Fanatic". Anyone remember that one?

Okay, I seem to have gotten a bit off topic, which is kind of inevitable with Craft Corner Deathmatch. Because while it's a brilliant concept for a show, I find that a little of it goes a long way. Once I'd watched it three or four times, I'd gotten the joke (and enjoyed it) but I didn't really need to keep watching. It doesn't have the deep, ingrained weirdness of Iron Chef or even the new Iron Chef America (which features 100% less William Shatner and 100% more Alton Brown, so you should check it out -- hey, it's a special bonus mini-review!). Its weirdness is all on the surface.

It's shallow, but enjoyably so.

Doctor... Who Were You Again?

It’s been a long time since I was a serious Doctor Who fan. Many years have passed since the days when I was a card-carrying member of the Prydonians of Princeton. I barely even remember the proud moment when I was published in the newsletter; I was probably complaining about how the buffoonish Sylvester McCoy was tarnishing the beautiful world of the Doctor. It’s true: Once upon a time, I had very strong feelings about who played the lead on a quirky BBC import.

Maybe in England Doctor Who fandom is more widespread, but here in America the only people who even know who the Doctor is are the nerds of the nerds. I think even chess club geeks look down on Doctor Who fans. We Prydonians of Princeton, meanwhile, felt free to sneer at fans of such lesser science fiction shows as Star Trek and didn’t even dignify the “Star Wars” movies by categorizing them as science fiction. (At best they were “science fantasy,” just plain fantasy, or, more simply, “crap.”) We did allow that Blake’s 7 was better than pretty okay, though.

So I read the newsletter and wrote letters to the core Prydonians. And I installed a special antenna in my parents’ attic so I could receive more distant PBS stations which ran different seasons of Doctor Who. And I spent most of my Saturday nights glued to WNJN, channel 50 Montclair, viewer and taxpayer supported public television, watching the new shows as they arrived.

But eventually I went to college, discovered sex with the girl who would become my wife, scared off a few roommates, and put away childish things, including an obsession with Neil Peart lyrics, buying X-Men comics, and being a Doctor Who fan. It didn’t hurt that just around this time the BBC finally cancelled the series.

Still, I didn’t forget the good Doctor. I watched the mostly cruddy American TV movie starring Paul McGann back in 1996. When I got TiVo, one of the first things I did was put “Doctor Who” and “Dr. Who” into the Wishlist, in the hopes that perhaps an episode or two would turn up.

For quite a long time, all that showed up were occasional episodes of random shows whose description read something like “Remington Steele investigates a doctor who medicates his patients with heroin.” Then one fine day, having run out of pornography, I read /. and discovered that the BBC was starting production on a new Doctor Who series. (Proving once again that, although I copyedit TeeVee, I don’t always actually read the articles.)

Naturally, although the new series began airing in Britain 26 March, 2005, no one thought it was a good idea to start airing it in the U.S. concurrently. Naturally, once the new series began airing in Britain, the new episodes showed up on the Internet. (Actually, the first episode escaped before it aired anywhere.) Naturally, despite having dropped out of the Doctor Who thing, I finagled a copy and watched it when everyone else was out of the house.

I must admit I was unsure of returning to this scene of my adolescence. I had moved on. I was afraid that the new show would be too much like the old show and that I would find that it would look stupid to a grown-up like myself. I was afraid that the new show would be too little like the old show and I’d be disappointed. Also, I was afraid that I’d like the new show too much and thus doom myself to being deported to Nerdland. To say nothing of bandwidth issues on my home DSL line.

But as I thrilled to the show’s almost-unchanged theme song, I felt that I was in the hands of professionals who respected the original Doctor Who, who loved it as I once did, and who were determined to bring the best aspects of the old while improving the worst. How I could feel this from just the opening credits I don’t know, but feel it I did.

The feeling continued right through to the closing credits. Russell T Davies and his team clearly love the old Doctor Who. It shows in the way they handle the new series: Although they may have toned down the Doctor’s costume (he now sports a battered black leather jacket), many of the old familiar elements are there. The TARDIS shaped like a police box, even though there are no police boxes in England any more. The sonic screwdriver. The comely companion. The wacky aliens. The running around from place to place as if they don’t, in fact, have access to a time machine.

And for those of you who might have been worried — from seeing the production stills online — that Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor was going to be a Guy Ritchie-inspired “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Daleks” guy, rest easy. The Doctor’s charm and eccentricity is intact. Eccleston shows a surprising (to me, at any rate) gift for comedy, both physical and verbal. You might miss the scarf or the celery pinned to the lapel — the new Doctor’s outfit is surely the most drab of all time — but Eccleston has a way with a crooked smile, a raised eyebrow, a flourish revealing an explosive device, or being strangled by a manikin’s dismembered arm.

The Doctor needs his companions, too. And Billie Piper is on hand as Rose, the most incredibly gorgeous companion since… well, most of the Doctor’s companions have been stone-cold hotties as far as I’m concerned. Piper also evinces a joy of performance palpable even at the other end of digital video.

Aside from the lead roles, the other important element of Doctor Who is the cheesy special effects. And they are also back. Now they’re done digitally, of course, but by and large they’re still pretty awful. And, at least in the first episode, no attempt was made to upgrade the Doctor’s old enemies — in this case, the relentlessly analog Autons. (For a negative example of where this can go, see the new Battlestar Galactica.)

So what else is missing besides the Doctor’s sartorial extravagance? The odd switch, common to many BBC shows, between video in the studio and film on location; the quaintly simple interior of the TARDIS; and, somewhat sadly I think, the comprehensible English accents, which were traded for more working-class, Welsh, and about half unintelligible intonations — to this reviewer, anyway. Also, the new series is done in whole 45-minute plots, instead of in several 20-minute-or-so episodes ending in cliffhangers.

Are these changes for the better or the worse? Well, you’ll have to decide for yourself (whenever the series airs in the U.S., or if you’re Canadian or live near the Canadian border, starting this week), because — apart from the new accents — I don’t have an opinion. Fifteen years ago I might have protested the desecration of the purity of the great Doctor Who, but I guess I did grow up somewhat in the intervening years. And I honestly don’t give a crap what the interior of the TARDIS looks like. Heresy!

So I like the new series so far. It’s promising. I’ll certainly be watching.

Note to any remaining Prydonians: Even if you ask, I can’t turn in my membership card, because I don’t know where it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have sex.

Large Actress Wanted to Play Psychopath, As Usual

Forget Kirstie Alley’s Fat Actress. The Fat Actress I want to hear from is Lindsay Hollister. First of all because Lindsay isn’t Hollywood fat, she’s actually really big. Which takes balls, to be that large and still pursue a career in TV acting. And second, because of the roles she’s played: On Nip/Tuck, she was a woman who killed herself because she was fat. On Law & Order: SVU, she was a woman who killed other people because she was fat. And recently on Scrubs, she was a woman who got yelled at by Dr. Kelso because she was fat.

I detect a pattern here.

And what I want to hear from Lindsay is this: When she takes these roles, how does she feel? Does she say to herself, “Man, another crazy porker. When will I get to do some Shakespeare or Mamet?” Or does she think, “Oh good, money. Now I can pay the mortgage next month.” Or does she think, “Ha! Take that, Conchata Ferrell and Camryn Manheim, I’ve cornered the market on fatties!”

--Chris Rywalt
April 6, 10:27 AM

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This page is an archive of entries from April 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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