June 2005 Archives

Not Enough and a Bit Too Much

Dear TNT: Just change your name to The Law & Order Channel and be done with it. A good 80 percent of the time I flip to the "we know drama" station, the golden boy of Dick Wolf's police-procedural sweatshop leaps forth to helpfully instruct me in the division of labor between cops and D.A.'s. I'm not saying TNT should stop raking in greasy fistfuls of cash on the backs of Sam Waterston, Jill Hennessy and the ghost of Jerry Orbach. I'm just saying they should be honest about it.

Still, I have to believe that people who watch the same Law & Order reruns day in and day out might eventually begin to crave something just a little bit different, without having to flip over to USA for its reruns of L&O spawn SVU and Criminal Intent. TNT's challenge, then, is to make something that is just novel enough to register a flicker of brain activity in the average viewer, but not so different that the viewer becomes confused or frightened by the inexplicable absence of wisecracking men in trenchcoats.

In The Closer, TNT has succeeded brilliantly. The new summer series is somewhere on the extremely low end of the sliding scale between "entirely average" and "actually sorta good." Kyra Sedgwick, whose mouth has mysteriously swelled to frightening, Grover-esque proportions, stars as an Atlanta-bred veteran of the FBI tasked with running an elite crime-solving unit in Los Angeles. None of the Generic Multiethnic Cops in her unit like her, of course, because she's bossy and female and From Somewhere Else. But that's OK, because Sedgwick is one of those magically brilliant TV detectives -- think Columbo in "Steel Magnolias" drag -- who always gets her perp. Also, she smiles a lot, and says "Thank yew so much!" in an accent that practically drips molasses. Because, you know, she's from the South.

Somewhere deep inside The Closer there's a thoroughly decent show struggling in vain to escape, largely thanks to the efforts of its cast. J.K. Simmons is in it, for one thing. While I don't regret missing his turn as a psychotic gay Nazi inmate on Oz, he's been a pleasure to watch in every other role I've seen, including The Closer's by-the-numbers boss guy. A few other cast members aren't too bad -- Sergeant Helpful Sidekick and Detective Nerdy Japanese-American can be fleetingly endearing, and the lone woman on Sedgwick's squad of detectives makes some genuinely intriguing facial expressions. (The writers have yet to give her a single word of dialogue, far as I can tell. Maybe her character's mute?)

Sedgwick, despite the cloying accent, works hard to give her prickly, flawed heroine a depth that the writing doesn't necessarily provide, and she's unafraid to be startlingly, refreshingly cruel. But the writers can't help shoving her quirks right up your nose. Look! She's from out of town! She gets lost while driving! Look! Everyone thinks she's ugly until she gets an L.A.-style makeover! Look! She's a recovering sugar addict! See how whimsical and human she is? See? See?

On top of that, the plots try to be edgy and shocking, but could successfully be unraveled by the average five-year-old. The Closer's signature interrogation-room scenes also fail to be distinctive or stylish in any way; they have all the fire and intensity of C-SPAN2. (I've been watching The Wire and the great, Jon Seda-less early seasons of Homicide: Life on the Street on DVD, so my standards for interrogation scenes may be slightly elevated.) The whole thing's just aggressively mediocre, and kind of depressing for the potential it thus far fails to fulfill. But the ratings have been great so far. Mission accomplished, TNT.

To no one's surprise, the ratings for Fox's The Inside have been anything but great. You might expect me to start whining about how thoroughly gifted creator/showrunner Tim Minear can't catch a break following the cancellations of Firefly and Wonderfalls. Think again. I can entirely understand why people wouldn't want to see this show: it's uncomfortable, depressing, and perhaps the darkest thing I've seen on network TV. None of which means it's not worth watching.

Pretty blonde model Rachel Nichols plays Rebecca Locke, a rookie FBI agent who joins an elite L.A.-based squad of profilers on the hunt for nefarious serial killers. The crimes are viscerally gruesome, the killers truly sick, and there's a lot of standing around in morgues. I know, I know, you liked this better when it was called "Seven" and/or "The Silence of the Lambs." But Minear, one of the most talented veterans of Joss Whedon's sprawling Buffyverse, has more in mind than forensics and procedure.

For one thing, Agent Locke is seriously damaged goods -- the survivor of an eighteen-month abduction when she was 10. Her hallucinatory flashbacks of her abductor, a leering slimeball with a cowboy shirt and an ice cream cone, are skin-crawling. And what seem at first glance to be signs of Nichols' utter inability to act -- her stiff body language, wide Bambi eyes and robotic line delivery -- make perfect sense in the context of her character. The cool, lovely professional profiler is a thin porcelain shell Rebecca's built to protect herself. In her character's very worst moments, Nichols lets us see the outlines of something truly horrible fluttering underneath, trying to break through.

Her boss Virgil Webster (Peter Coyote) sees this too. He just doesn't care. Web manipulates and exploits Rebecca, using her personal understanding of evil to close his cases. He's her dog trainer and daddy figure all in one, and she's his prized bloodhound. It's perfectly understated in its creepiness, as are the hints that Web himself may be as dangerous and sociopathic as the people he hunts. Coyote's performance makes Web devilishly fun to watch, combining humor and malice in every measured line or cool stare.

Agent Paul Ryan (Jay Harrington) is the angel to Web's demon, recognizing Rebecca's damage and doing his best to keep it from consuming her. On any other show, he'd probably be her dead-obvious love interest and a flawless hero. Here, he's happily married, his interest in Rebecca is downright brotherly, and his heavy-handed moralizing to Web makes him just enough of a stick-in-the-mud. The tug of war between Paul and Web, and the way Rebecca unconsciously sways between the two poles of their influence, is one of the show's most intriguing elements.

Given the overwhelming darkness of the show, Minear is smart to add comic relief, courtesy of his old pals Adam Baldwin (from Firefly) and Katie Finneran (from Wonderfalls). As the other two agents on the squad, Baldwin is a marginally more civilized version of Firefly's thuggish Jayne Cobb, while Finneran comes across as Dana Scully with a freshly implanted sense of humor. But they're both terrific, playing every witty bit of dialogue or amusing character moment for maximum entertainment. As the team's tech guy, Nelsan Ellis is also thoroughly charming; it's a shame he only gets about one scene per episode.

There's a lot to like about the show -- and a lot that explains its microscopic ratings. Some of the dialogue, particularly in the pilot, makes so many references to "darkness" and "pain" that it sounds cribbed from some 14-year-old Goth's LiveJournal. You can very nearly see the seams between the moments of slick, obvious procedural the network demands and the smarter, subtler show Minear's trying to create. And the subject matter, though respectably unflinching, isn't fun: skinned corpses, rape and pedophilia in the first three episodes alone. Why isn't this on FX? The edgy elements would be a much better fit alongside The Shield and Nip/Tuck, and Minear would likely suffer less pressure to give the show a mainstream appeal it just won't achieve.

The Inside is light-years better than the we're-not-even-trying conformity of The Closer, but it's hardly fun summer viewing. In his superb scripts for Angel, Minear could confront real evils under a protective layer of horror-movie tropes. Here, the abyss does a little too much staring back.

2005 Fall Schedules: Yes, UPN's Still On the Air

Around these parts, writing about UPN’s fall schedule isn’t the most popular of assignments. It’s the equivalent of drawing the short straw, cleaning out the rain gutters, and flossing after meals and sugary snacks. You don’t do it because you want to do it, but because you feel obligated. Also, you’re getting tired of taking guff from your dentist about your bleeding gums.

The main reason writing about UPN is such a double-dog drag, of course, is that hardly anybody cares about the network, its schedule, or anything having to do with its continued existence. Or to put it more bluntly: are you haunted by the question as to whether UPN’s Monday night lineup of One on One, All of Us, Girlfriends and Half & Half will return intact next fall? (It will, incidentally.) Unless you or a loved one is employed by any one of the shows, I’m guessing the answer is no. TeeVee readers are a discerning bunch with a number of TV-related queries on their minds — Would you like to link to my Firefly tribute site? Where can I find naked pictures of one or both of the Gilmore Girls? Are you idiots ever going to write another article about a show other than Lost? The doings over at UPN just aren’t on the radar screen.

Secondly, writing about UPN’s fall offerings provides an excellent — and decidedly unwanted — opportunity to look really stupid. I mean, as highly-respected Internet commentators, we’re supposed to be well-versed on the most intricate details about the television business. So how does it look when someone tosses us a softball question about a show on UPN, and we give them a 1,000-mile stare like somebody just asked us to determine the sine of an angle?

As an example, UPN has renewed the sitcom Cuts and will broadcast it Thursday nights at 9 p.m. next fall. Until I typed that sentence, I had no idea there even was a show called Cuts on UPN or any other network. You could have given me 70 guesses and I never would have come up with the name of the show — I probably wouldn’t have even gotten it in 12 guesses if you spotted me the “C” and the “T.” (Cats? Cots? I’m blanking here.) And if you would have asked me to guess the premise… well, that would have taken the rest of the afternoon. Is it a show about bikers who are hilariously over-competitive about their bar-brawl scars? A program where snide people sit around making particularly catty comments about co-workers? The feel-good-hit of the year about teens who practice self-mutilation? I need a hint, please.

As it turns out, Cuts is a sitcom about a family-run urban barbershop struggling against all odds to make it in this crazy world. So maybe the producers of the show should hope that Ice Cube and anyone else affiliated with the Barbershop movies have never heard of Cuts either.

As for the final reason that chronicling the triumphs and tragedies of a network called UPN isn’t exactly a plum assignment, that’s a fairly recent development. Used to be if your number came up and you had to sort through UPN’s slim pickings, you could at least take comfort in the fact that half the article was written for you before you even fired up the word processor. Just take a couple of digs at the escaped circus monkeys running the network, throw out a Homeboys in Outer Space reference or two, and predict more spectacular failures for shows America just didn’t care to see, and you were practically done, give or take an adverb or two. I’d call it shooting fish in a barrel, but that implies an element of sportsmanship — taking your aggressions out on UPN was like strangling guppies in a drinking glass.

Or at least, it used to be. In the most startling transformation since Snoop Doggy Dog went from menacing rapper to beloved corporate pitchman, suddenly UPN has gone from dizzyingly incompetent to mildly respectable. For those of us who sat through The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer and Mercy Point, this turn of events feels only slightly less improbable than Paris Hilton being hailed as a model of temperance and modesty for young girls or William Shatner earning kudos as America’s greatest living actor.

Credit — or blame, depending on your point of view — for this sudden reversal of UPN’s collective fortunes goes to Veronica Mars, which has been hailed for its quality and cleverness by the same bunch of critics who are usually clamoring to have UPN’s lineup banished to a lead-lined vault buried 5 miles beneath the Earth’s surface. Our own Nathan Alderman has sung the show’s praises often. Very often. Perhaps a little more often than is actually healthy. We’d ask him what the deal is, but every time we go over to his desk, he just sits there with a pad of paper writing things like “Veronica Alderman, Veronica Mars-Alderman, Nathan Alderman-Mars” over and over again. It’s kind of disturbing, actually. Though not nearly as disturbing as when he was doing the same thing with Ed Stevens.

For those who insist that no leopard can ever truly change its spots — the stupid leopards, most of all — UPN has apparently decided to move Veronica Mars from its Tuesday night time-slot to Wednesdays at 9 p.m. where it can spend next fall getting its head handed to it by Lost. Also, UPN is apparently making strongly worded suggestions to Veronica Mars’ producers that they should cast someone like Tara Reid, who was so impressive in her efforts to suck the very life out of Scrubs a few seasons back.

As if tinkering with one of their two hit shows wasn’t foolish enough, UPN executives are also tempting fate with America’s Next Top Model, one of the few other UPN programs that doesn’t send mass audiences running from the room in abject terror. In addition to airing the reality series on Wednesdays, the network plans to show off repeats on Tuesday nights — the reasoning being that if absence makes the heart grow fonder, the only thing to make the heart grow even fonder still is over-saturation.

Thanks for that brilliant deduction, UPN — we were beginning to question our very place in the universe up until then.

Still, UPN seems to be trying its darnedest to repair its reputation as a glorified collection of UHF stations — even to the point of weaning itself off of two staples of fall line-ups past. This will mark the first season since UPN started cluttering up the airwaves that a lackluster installment of the Star Trek franchise won’t be on the schedule. That means the Star Trek fans who haven’t been placed in captivity or hunted to extinction will have to resort to DVDs, reruns, and the occasional convention down at the local Holiday Inn to scratch their silly sci-fi itch — at least until Majel Roddenberry needs to fund a new wing for the ranch house.

Professional wrestling, another UPN mainstay, remains on the network’s schedule — for now. WWE Smackdown is moving to Friday nights, which you’ll remember was the same fate that befell Enterprise last year while Les Moonves was signing that show’s DNR order. Not to suggest that Smackdown is doomed, but moving a program to Friday nights is UPN’s way of saying, “It’s either this, infomercials, or the 734th showing of Johnny Mnemonic.” In other words, maybe it’s time for Vince McMahon to start exploring exciting new opportunities with basic cable partners.

So what’s going in Smackdown’s place? Would you believe a quality sitcom that people are actually interested in watching?

Hey, I wouldn’t either. But reports out of UPN’s upfront session suggest that Everybody Hates Chris — a comedy series produced by, narrated by, but not actually starring Chris Rock — may well be the standout show of next fall. The series focuses on tales of Rock’s childhood. It’s a single-camera show in the vein of Malcolm in the Middle and Arrested Development. There’s no laugh track. It’s apparently quite good.

Yes, you’re still reading an article previewing UPN’s lineup.

If the prospect of an actually funny comedy airing on UPN troubles you, imagine how NBC’s Jeff Zucker feels. For the past couple of seasons, CBS’s one-two punch of Survivor and CSI has been knocking the sheen off your once-strong Thursday night lineup. Then along comes Fox to siphon away young viewers with The OC. And now the death blow to NBC’s Must-See Thursdays is going to come at the hands of… UPN?

Should this grim scenario come to pass, Jeff Zucker shouldn’t even waste his time mounting an effective counter-programming strategy. The only things he should concern himself at that point is whether his fake passport is back from the forger yet and which South American country will he flee to in order to begin his new life as Miguel Sanchez de la Rosa? I hear Asuncion, Paraguay is very lovely this time of year.

The other two new shows on UPN’s schedule are fairly unremarkable — a hodgepodge of dramas and sitcoms with premises you could stumble upon just by randomly surfing between the networks during prime time. Sex, Lies, & Secrets, which follows the America’s Next Top Model repeat on Tuesday nights, claims to be “an edgy new drama that explores the intimate and often complex relationships of a tight-knit group of friends.” As it is set in the Silver Lake district on the outskirts of Hollywood, think of Sex, Lies & Secrets as a few exits up the freeway from The OC — or, depending on how things go, a few blocks away from Melrose Place. Love Inc. is a sitcom about professional matchmakers who find romance for others but — oh, cruel mistress Irony! — can’t seem to find any for themselves. (More notable than the show’s tepid subject matter is the fact that Love Inc. gave Shannen Doherty the opportunity to log a new personal best for getting fired from a project — before the program even debuted! Congratulations, Shannen, and good luck on getting pink-slipped, shit-canned, and frog-marched from all your future endeavors!) And South Beach, a midseason replacement show, features two best buds who head to Miami, only to discover its “dangerous and possibly seedy underbelly.” Which makes it sound vaguely like Veronica Mars, only with far more Cubans.

If that sounds pretty uninspired, consider the people affiliated with these programs. Jennifer Lopez is executive-producing South Beach. A Charlie Sheen-free Denise Richards is among the ensemble appearing in Sex, Lies & Secrets. And of, course, we’ve already mentioned Chris Rock. These are the sort of fairly big stars — and Denise Richards — that used to have blocks on their phone lines to weed out calls from the likes of UPN. Now, they’re working with the network. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much, but when your previous big-name celebrity “get” was convincing the guy who played Mr. Peterman on Seinfeld to appear on The Mullets, it’s a sign you’re moving up in the world.

And when you’re UPN, you take your victories — like convincing jerky TV writers that they can no longer mock you by default — where you can.

Mars' New Orbit

Last month, when I was extolling the virtues of Veronica Mars, I encouraged curious viewers to catch reruns of the show Tuesday nights at 9 p.m. on UPN. I didn't realize at the time that, much like old farmers would rotate a field between soil-enriching and soil-depleting crops in alternate seasons, UPN had decided to briefly beslime Veronica's old time slot with the televised implosion of Britney Spears' career.

Following what I hope will be a thorough disinfection and fumigation, Veronica Mars will return to Tuesdays at 9 on June 14... and then immediately move to its new time slot, Wednesdays at 9, the very next night. On the upside, it's got a plum spot following America's Next Top Model, UPN's highest-rated show. (Stop and ponder that for a moment. Done shaking your head sadly? OK, let's continue.) The downside? It seems that Wednesdays at 9 is also the new home of a little-heralded ABC show about people trapped on some sort of monster-infested island.

There are also dire rumors that UPN wants to jettison several of Veronica's more compelling supporting characters, and monkey with the show's near-bulletproof premise, in an attempt garner bigger ratings. Resist, creator Rob Thomas! Resist like the wind!

At any rate, I'd like to apologize to anyone who tuned in Tuesdays at 9 expecting a richly absorbing drama, and instead got the adventures of a very different sort of blonde. Blame me for your shattered will to live, if you must, but please watch Veronica Mars. You won't be sorry.

(Looking for more good summer viewing? Fox's The Inside, a serial-killer thriller created by the scarily talented Tim Minear, boasts an all-star writing cast from Lost, Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Gilmore Girls, The Tick and Miracles. Place your bets for its imminent cancellation! And Cartoon Network's Justice League Unlimited -- laugh if you must-- has been knocking episodes out of the park left and right. Some of the comic book world's best writers are penning gripping, well-characterized scripts, and recent guest voices have included Law & Order's Dennis Farina, Farscape's Ben Browder, and roughly half the cast of Firefly.)

2005 Fall Schedules: 'Fox' klingt besser auf Deutsch

I don’t follow TV very closely. What—don’t you write for a TV website, you ask? Well, uh, not that much. Don’t get me wrong—I love my TiVo. I can sit and pick out shows to record for hours. “You play with that TiVo more than you watch TV,” my ex-roommate used to say. Bastard.

So I do watch TV, I just don’t follow the upfronts like some people follow the NBA draft. But Lutz shamed me into writing one of these reviews, so I’m going to do it. It’s a good thing I picked Fox, too, because they are idiots. I can mock the new shows, confident that I won’t end up looking like Phil when he said Frasier wouldn’t last as long as AfterMASH. I mean, he keeps getting grief about that and it was twelve years ago. Only from me, but still.

So when I say that Prison Break (a show about a guy who gets himself arrested and put in prison so he can help his brother, who is on death row, escape) is very stupid and should be cancelled before we even learn the names of all the cruel but quirky prison guards, I can do it with confidence. Even if the show turns out to be great, Fox is likely to screw it up and give up on it too quickly, just like Undeclared, Firefly, Andy Richter Controls the Universe… damn you, Fox! Now I really want to see how that show turns out. I bet there’s a prison break.

One might think Fox has learned a lesson from reversing the cancellation of Family Guy. But I doubt it, and I’m not sure I’m thrilled about the show’s return. I’m a big fan, and even went to see the big “Family Guy Live” show last month in L.A., which was pretty funny, especially the fanboys during the question-and-answer session. (Sample question, without exaggeration: “Seth Green, are you going to have any more Buffy actors do voices on Robot Chicken? And, like, do you ever talk to Sarah Michelle Gellar?”) It’s just that I suspected what show creator Seth MacFarlane confirmed on Dinner for Five: in the post-Janet Jackson’s boob world, it’s hard for jokes to get past the censors. The question I would have asked at the Q&A was this: “Hey, a few years back I was at a Halloween party talking to a punk kid fresh out of Harvard who was writing for The Simpsons, and he made a snide remark that Family Guy was a total rip-off. Don’t you think it’s the other way now, with Homer just as mean and stupid as Peter Griffin?” Of course, since The Simpsons is also on Fox, I probably wouldn’t have gotten an answer. But that’s why I’m not sure that Family Guy really has much point anymore. It probably would be helped by a speedy cancellation of McFarlane’s other show, American “this show wishes it was as good as Futurama” Dad, though.

My favorite summary of the Fox announcement is on a German website, helpfully translated by Google. This is where I learned about Bones. As much as I wanted to, anyway. The point of CSI was that it brought something fresh to the tired genre of police procedurals, so doing a rip-off of it makes for a double-tired show. I am looking forward to seeing “ex-fishing rod David Boreanaz,” though.

I’m also looking forward to The Loop which “is fresh a Comedy series around one from the University of coming boy man, who must only still learn the true life to know.” We’ll have to wait for mid-season for that one, though, and it’s probably not as interesting as it sounds in badly translated German.

The Reunion is a high-concept twist on 24 that follows a group of friends over 20 years, with each show being one year. It seems like it won’t work (and how could it be renewed?) but sometimes constraints like that actually produce an interesting show. It’s on after The O.C so it probably has a shot.

There’s not much else that’s new that I’d even bother to set my TiVo to record, much less actually get around to watching. I can’t even get myself to type the names of any other new shows here. The big news about Fox’s fall season is supposed to be that there’s no reality shows on the schedule (they are being saved for mid-season replacements). That doesn’t seem like big news, though, because the way Fox cancels shows (and rushes rip-offs of other network’s reality shows into production) it won’t be long before we have to watch some idiot in a confessional booth telling us why he isn’t as selfish as he actually is. Actually, that’s one of the gimmicks on a new Fox sitcom, but as I said, I’m too tired to type the name. In fact, I’d probably pick it in the TV dead pool, if Fox didn’t get a late start because of baseball.

Fox also cancelled some shows I never heard of, except for the lousy one with Andy Richter. They should give him a show every year, then cancel it. House is back, which I don’t watch because the promos suggest it’s mainly a show about scowling people. I’m really happy Arrested Development is surviving, though. I recommend the first season DVD of that show if you haven’t been watching.

So I’ll probably set the TiVo to record a few Fox shows next Fall, but then I won’t get around to watching any of them except for Arrested Development. And I expect Fox will be idiotic enough to replace that with a rip-off of Three Wishes by January.

Categories

Monthly Archives

Pages

Powered by Movable Type 4.25

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from June 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

May 2005 is the previous archive.

July 2005 is the next archive.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.