December 2005 Archives

Inexplicably, NBC has promoted Jeff Zucker to a position of awesome power, overseeing its entire broadcast and cable television operation. I say "inexplicably" not because Jeff Zucker isn't a nice guy who observes the speed limit and pays his fair share of taxes and is quick with a joke or a thoughtful-though-not-at-all-obsequious compliment about his superior's choice of ties. Rather, I find this development inexplicable because usually one associates promotions with rewards for accomplishments and unfettered success. Zucker's track record, first as NBC's programming chief and later as head of the network, has been one of sustained failure.

Under Zucker's tenure, NBC has long since ceded its spot at the top of the network heap to CBS. It's now the no. 3 network in prime time, with Fox breathing down The Peacock's neck. One-time ratings juggernauts like Friends and Frasier have aged, died, and faded away without any strapping, young bucks to take their place. One of the few hits of the Zucker era, The Apprentice, has been watered down by an ill-advised spin-off and lost its pop-culture buzz. Now the NBC lineup is associated primarily with interchangeable Law & Order repeats and that show where one of the Arquette sisters solves crimes with the help of dead people.

But I guess Jeff Zucker keeps his desk clean. And he's a warm body. So up the corporate ladder he goes.

If this is the sort of charmed life Jeff Zucker leads, one can only imagine what good fortune awaits him in this latest endeavor...

It seems like every passing year comes with complaints that TV's just getting worse and worse. But as the holiday season approaches, I've been trying to look on the bright side, and a bit of reflection reveals that 2005 was actually very kind to me where the ol' idiot box was concerned. So I've worked up a list of some of the best "gifts" I found on TV this year. But first -- of course -- the obligatory lumps of coal.

There's a Web banner for this new TBS show, Daisy Does America, that is working my last nerve. It shows the eponymous Daisy co-opting two recognizably American icons -- the Statue of Liberty and Marilyn Monroe's publicity shot for The Seven-Year Itch -- and goggling at the camera with an expression of what is presumably madcap dismay. Darn this silvery skirt! I'm so dismayed my gorgeous legs are on display!

The shot's not the part that irritates me. The caption is: "Proving beautiful girls can be funny, TBS presents Daisy Donovan!"

Let's break down the ways in which this sentence is so very wrong:

Item the first: Is America really laboring under the misconception that beautiful women aren't funny?

Aren't entire sitcoms based on the premise that hot mamas do giggly things? Beautiful women may not be allowed to be witty on television, but there is no shortage of gorgeous ladies taking pratfalls for our amusement. Exhibit A: Desperate Housewives. Exhibit B: NBC's comedic strategy during the 1990s, which seemed to revolve around the "Does she look good in a miniskirt? Give her a show!" strategy. Exhibit C: Ally McBeal, which was a veritable festival of She Stooges-style "comedy." Exhibit D: Sex and the City. Exhibit E: Stacked. Exhibit F: The Ghost Whisperer.

(Okay, I give on The Ghost Whisperer. It took me a moment to remember the brainless comedy in that show is entirely unintentional.)

In other words, Daisy's not really breaking new ground here. In fact, she's plowing the same tired furrow that dozens of lovelies did before her: the beautiful goofball. It's a neutering strategy: all of the aesthetic pleasure of a beautiful woman, none of the intimidation that would come from the brains to match. Frankly, if I were gorgeous, I'd be outraged by society's mandate that I'm not allowed to have an intellect to go along with my stunning good looks. Thank God I don't labor under that burden.

Item the second: So if Daisy's supposedly breaking the mold with being both beautiful and funny ... does that mean that until this very moment, every funny woman on television's been a dog?

Because, really. Who can make that argument with a straight face? Have these people ever seen Amy Poehler?

The idea that a sense of humor is a consolation prize for not being gorgeous is not a new one. Like the beautiful goofball cliche, this one's meant as balm to the ego. In the right hands, humor's a weapon; it threatens preconceived notions, it offers insights, it punctures illusions. If someone who's sexually desirable is threatening someone else with a joke, it's easy to think, They're rejecting me. If an average schlub takes someone out with a punch line, they can console themselves with, I wouldn't have slept with you anyway.

Item the third: Who says Daisy's funny?

I've seen the promos. Unless TBS's clever strategy is to undersell the comedic potential of the show, we're not looking at the distaff version of Ali G. And so Daisy Donovan will have proven nothing vis a vis the comedic potential of the pulchritudinous. And we won't even get to laugh, not at her and not with her.

So I was watching this week's episode of Nip/Tuck, which has slowly begun to regain its former soul-searching, squirm-inducing greatness after a frankly lousy beginning to its third season. And at the very end, this grainy flicker of a video appeared. It was a message from The Carver, the eerie doll-masked serial rapist/mutilator/occasional murderer who's been haunting the series since last season. And he was taunting me.

"I love that everyone's trying to guess who I am," he said in his creepy, electronically modulated voice -- the phrasing and cadence of which didn't exactly disguise that he's really Quentin, The Visibly Evil Doctor Who Is Also The Only Credible Suspect -- "but there's no point. I'm already ten steps ahead." And just before the spot blinked out, a URL appeared at the bottom of the screen.

http://www.myspace.com/thecarver/

Yes, The Carver's on MySpace. The serial psychopath has a buddy list. And a blog.

Don't get me wrong -- the video greeting that plays when you call up his profile is plenty spookifying, with some knowing echoes to Nosferatu, even. But I'm thinking it somewhat diminishes a serial killer's aura of menace when the dude's posting about his feelings on a site best known for giving voice to angst-ridden teens with bad hair and worse spelling.

Mood: Murderous. Drugged a guy in his house, then raped him. Then? Miller Time! Beauty's a curse on the world, y'all! Peace out!

You also learn that he's a big fan of Wally Lamb novels and According to Jim, which I suppose makes sense.

I get that Fox, which recently bought MySpace, wants to show off its new trinket. But they couldn't have given The Carver his own appropriately creepy Web site? They had to give him a MySpace profile? With a comments thread full of slack-jawed MySpacers posting bone-chilling comments like "whoa dude ur so gay"? (I like how one helpfully suggests that The Carver try having consensual sex sometime. You know, just for a change of pace.)

Still, I guess it could have been worse for The Carver. At least they didn't get him a LiveJournal.

So the FCC is now amenable to "a la carte cable." In layman's terms, this practice would eliminate the channel-bundling requirements media firms like Disney and Viacom impose on cable carriers like Cox and Comcast: instead of being forced to carry niche networks SoapNET and SpikeTV in addition to the crowd-pleasing ESPN and VH-1, cable operators would sell the channels on an individual basis. Presumably, this will be cheaper for some consumers, as they'll only be paying for a handful virtuous and personally-enhancing channels like C-SPAN instead of the decadent Cartoon Network. More importantly, a la carte cable will shield the delicate sensibilities of television viewers: those who object to MTV's programming philosophy ("Now with 25% more neuron-suppressing reality programs!") can opt not to subscribe, and those who object to the Eternal Life Network's spiritual and/or aesthetic creeds don't have to suffer its existence in the upper reaches of the cable box.

I say, forget giving subscribers the option to pick-and-choose their channels. That's thinking small. Anyone who's running a network should offer a la carte programming, period. The sheer numbers of people who will pay the USA Network to keep the Law & Order reruns coming -- and hold The Dead Zone -- must number in the dozens. The disenfranchised Farscape fans could guarantee that series' perpetual airing on The Sci-Fi channel. Whichever lucky Paramount channel gets the Veronica Mars re-runs will be set for life. With picking and choosing to pay for only the shows you want to see, it'll be easy to keep programs on the air -- or to force them off. So long, The Nanny reruns! See you in hell, Movie and a Makeover! Best of all, being able to pick and choose on the TV shows you want to see guarantees that you'll never be forced to endure anything that doesn't already neatly conform to your worldview. News Corp. stands to make a killing if they start charging on a per-show basis for Fox News.

Sure, your cable bill would probably be more expensive if you had to pay on a show-by-show basis. But isn't the ability to move through life wrapped in a cocoon of your own choosing worth a premium?