June 2006 Archives

Who's the Cutest Little Cannibal? You Are!

Here's a fun fact about my husband that he may or may not have wanted shared with the Internet: he loves meerkats. We have tons of digital snaps of meerkats perching winsomely in their habitats in zoo after zoo across America. We have framed photos of meerkats doing their little standing-up-with-the-friends number. Out of love, I have yelled at teenagers who leaned over "Do Not Feed the Animals" signs to feed the meerkats Cheetos. Out of love, I have bought a meerkat sponsorship at the Oakland Zoo. And out of love, I have set up the TiVo to record Animal Planet's "Meerkat Manor."

Eventually, someday, my husband may forgive me this last action.

Sure, the meerkats are cute. And when you see them in zoos, the helpful placards convey the impression that meerkats are the New-Age Mammals of the African Savannah. They live in a commune! They don't have any gender hang-ups about who raises the kids! They live in matriarchies, so there's no phallocentric aggression! They have posted sentries! They take turns babysitting so the mothers can have both a fulfilling career of foraging and the rewards of parenting! They're already paw-lettering their "Feingold/Obama in ’08" signs!

The truth as revealed in "Meerkat Manor" is far different. (Some might argue it's equally as unsavory.) Sure, the meerkats are social, but only in the way that people bumming cigarettes off you at a party are social. Approach them ten minutes later and they'll peer at you through a cloud of smoke, visibly wondering, Do I know you? Meerkats not what you would call "bright," which makes sense, given that their cranium houses a brain the size of a lima bean. And although the meerkats do engage in co-operative babysitting, there is one significant difference between them and the Birkenstock-wearing do-gooders at the community center: the meerkats avoid the issue of over-enrollment by eating their young. Really! The dominant female meerkat engages in a little eugenic adjustment by eating any pups that could compete with her own for precious resources. Hippies can't do that because they went vegan back in '86.

Although "Meerkat Manor" has not shown us footage of meerkats in mid-cannibalism, it spent the first three episodes ceaselessly dangling that possibility in front of our faces. "See this cute animal, with its widdle expressive face?" asks Sean "the fat Hobbit" Astin. "Now imagine the adorable hindquarters of an even cuter, widdler animal dangling from its bloody jaws."

Well, not in those words exactly, but pretty close.

My problem with "Meerkat Manor" is not that it's proven the New-Age Mammals to be as considerate as a roomful of Executive Branch appointees. My problem is that this show -- and many others that attempt to bring the wild kingdom into our living rooms -- attempts to impose a human narrative on the non-human. Trying to explain a meerkat's behavior through the filter of human experience makes about as much sense as explaining a person's behavior through the filter of a cat's brain. Imagine how a cat anthropologist would observe the act of ordering a pizza:

The male, whom we've called "Shadow" for his vestigial chin coating, begins hunting. Although he lacks decent teeth or claws and his sense of smell is incredibly poor, he does have several nimble digits, which he then uses to manipulate a toy. After a series of social chirps, he waits patiently by the door. Another male comes by his territory! Bafflingly, Shadow does not begin marking the territory. He doesn't even puff up his scanty neck hair to tell the intruder to back off. And he makes submissive noises while gesturing to the intruder. Mysteriously, the intruder drops something that smells great and leaves without scenting the door of what should be his new territory. This mysterious transaction takes place and then, bizarrely, Shadow eats the object that's already marked with the intruder's scent.

Oh, sure. I know what you're saying: cats don't get along, so there's no way they'd ever be able to conduct peer-reviewed research, much less find any peers who would agree to review it.

My point is this: if the aim of imposing an anthropomorphic narrative on an animal subject is to get us to relate to the subject -- so we won't enthusiastically hunt it to extinction, presumably -- then it is not working. Assuming animals share our values is a mistake. This makes the animals more vulnerable to our judgment the moment we do find out they don't believe in the right to bear arms. It also ignores the fact that most animals are not working from the same frame of reference we are, no matter how many cute animated movies insist otherwise.

If we really wanted to use animal stories as a way to broaden people's understanding of the nature they never encounter, we'd tell the story as it is, not as we think it would be for us. Things like finding a mate, finding food and avoiding a painful death are all tough for your average non-hominid. Tough often makes good story fodder. Being a foot tall mammal on a savannah that hosts some of the world's most effective predators is probably no picnic, so tell us how meerkats manage. Tell us how they fit into the broader picture of African wildlife. Tell us what happens to them as animals. Just stop trying to recast their natural behavior as titillating or horrifying just because we humans would never do it. After all, there are plenty of behaviors we manage to justify that you never see in the wild.

Two Summer TV Ideas

As the television season staggers to an end, you may find yourself with nothing good to watch. It's going to be three or four years before The Sopranos comes back to wrap everything up, and even the shows like The Apprentice are closing down for the summer.

Naturally, you're going to need to lower your television standards a little. Oh, I suppose you could also read a book, go outside, or learn to play the flute. But that might be going a little overboard. Besides, I've already got a couple of lowered-television-standards suggestions lined up, and I'm not prepared to give flute-playing tips. So we're going to have to assume that you want to keep watching television even though nothing particularly good is on.

SuperGroup

Aw, man. This VH-1 show is just great (remember, we're lowering our standards here; something that ranks as "a mild diversion" in February is "brilliant" in June). The idea the producers had was that a handful of random rock stars would be brought together in a house for a couple of weeks, without knowing which other people were going to be in the band, and they'd record an album. Almost immediately, the plan broke down, and by episode 2, SuperGroup is already an example of what happens to a reality show when the subjects don't play along.

Here's the cast: Lead singer Sebastian Bach (of Skid Row and, lately, Gilmore Girls), rhythm guitarist Scott Ian (the guy from Anthrax with that long, skinny, pharaoh-beard), bassist Evan Seinfeld (the tattooed guy from Biohazard who played Jaz Hoyt on Oz), drummer Jason Bonham (son of Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, and currently touring as the drummer for Foreigner for some reason), and lead guitarist Ted Nugent (Ted Nugent).

The problem here is that your average reality show likes to make the cast jump through dopey hoops, like when the people on The Surreal Life have to go work at a diner or something. And these people are rock stars, which means they are both rich enough not to care and rebellious enough to dig in their heels. So when a costumer shows up and tries to get the band to dress in crazy futuristic outfits, Scott Ian just laughs at her. And Ted Nugent, when presented with publicists, behaves almost exactly how you would expect him to. (I think the problem there is that Ted Nugent understands how ridiculous it is to still be "Ted Nugent" in 2006, and he's decided to live it up. You can see that in more detail on his own reality show, which involves just as much hunting as you think it does.)

The band is in the house for twelve days, at the end of which they are supposed to have written one song (the expectations apparently got scaled down from "a whole album" pretty dramatically) and then perform a concert. We're only a couple of episodes in, so you've got plenty of time to see guys with tattoos yell at each other and abuse their personal chef (a young lady named "Danushka", who I believe has been on both The Bachelor and Fear Factor: Model Edition, so she should have known what she was getting into).

The part that's surprising to me is just how seriously (some of) the band takes their assignment. Mixed in with the publicist-abusing are really interesting scenes of Evan Seinfeld and Sebastian Bach writing lyrics and messing around on ProTools and generally acting like professional musicians.

Oh! Also, it's fun to see what the band members demanded in their contracts; for example, in every episode, Evan Seinfeld gets several minutes to talk about his wife, Tera Patrick, and their porn company.

Last Comic Standing

Okay, remember the terrible show about the stand-up comics? The one that got cancelled partway through the third season because no one was watching it? It's back! Hooray!

The audition episode was my favorite, because I love terrible, unfunny comedy. But they've whittled it down to the professional comics, so it's going to be more consistent from here on out. The only problem (and this is a problem it had in previous seasons too) is that several of the professional comedians seem a little more high-profile than they should be. I mean, Bil Dwyer is funny, but he's already had a television show: he was one of the hosts of BattleBots! Shouldn't they be restricting it to people I don't recognize?

Judging from the first two and a half seasons, Last Comic Standing will be good fun for another two or three episodes, which will be almost totally devoted to stand-up comedy. After that, it morphs into one of those "a bunch of people in a house" reality shows, where people get on each other's nerves (as well as on the nerves of me, the home viewer) while one comic gets sent home each week. It's a little more fun than most Real World-type shows, though, because the housemates will have been chosen on the basis of "being funny" rather than "having prominent cheekbones and a drinking problem" or "having a sheltered upbringing which will play nicely against her new activist lesbian roommate".

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This page is an archive of entries from June 2006 listed from newest to oldest.

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