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BARBARA WALTERS: Welcome to MyTeeVee's first annual Future of Television Summit. I'm your host, Barbara Walters, and I'm honored that the fine folks at AOL and TeeVee have chosen me to moderate this groundbreaking discussion on what may be in store during the 21st Century for our society's most pervasive medium.

I'm even more honored to be joined at this roundtable by a panel of true icons of the small screen. Four of the most talented and influential individuals to grace our living rooms since Uncle Milty himself. From my left to right they are, Jeff Eastin, wonderboy genius behind one of this season's breakout hits, Shasta McNasty...

JEFF EASTIN: Actually, Barbara, it's just Shasta now.

BW: Whatever the title, it's a true sign of genius to name your show after a second-tier soft drink. Also joining us today are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Garth Ancier, president of NBC Entertainment, and noted character actor, uh..., just a second, I've got it in my notes here...um... who are you again?

DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS: I'm Noted Character Actor and gadfly Dennis Boutsikaris.

BW: Didn't you take my drink order at Morton's last night?

DB: One of the burdens we Noted Character Actors must bear are long periods of unemployment and/or meaningless scut work.

BW: You mean like your role in Trinity? Well, it's a pleasure to have you here Dennis. Mind if I call you Boots? Now you all know why we came together today. To paraphrase Carl Reiner, "television is the opiate of the masses." It's power as an all-encompassing medium is unmatched and binds us together as a society. But is it too powerful?

I believe it was Marshal Dillon who said "the medium is the message." I'd like to open this discussion with this thesis: As we awake to the dawn of a new millenium, this message has begun to overpower us and society is suffering as a result. Jennifer Love Hewitt, the first question is yours: Given the overwhelming pervasiveness of this message, where did you find that divine dress you wore to the Vanity Fair Oscars party? Helen Gurley Brown and myself couldn't take our eyes off it last Sunday.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: It was a Richard Tyler. And I think TV is good. Just look at Barney.

BW: Indeed, look at Barney. Now Garth, as the head of a television network you are one of only a handful of men who control what 280 million people can watch. That's a lot of power. Do you feel you and your colleagues are doing a responsible job of upholding the pulic trust?

And by the way, on behalf of all of us old enough to remember the original, thanks a million for bringing back Twenty-One. I had such a crush on Charles VanDoren back then, but now that I'm all grown up, Maury Povich is aces in my book.

GARTH ANCIER: Well, thank you, Barbara. It was a pleasure to welcome Twenty-One back to the NBC family. It's part of what we at NBC call our Commitment to LCD. And despite what some media wags may have you believe, that does not stand for Lowest Common Denominator.

BW: Can you tell us what it does stand for?

GA: It's a new cybersynergistic paradigm for the digital age of the information superhighway. What we at NBC realized is that America wants its entertainment the way it wants its fast food. Cheap and familiar with no surprises. Nobody wants White Castle getting creative with their cheeseburger, right? You don't want to open the bun and find dijon mustard when you specifially asked for French's do you? That's what NBC wants to be - the White Castle of television.

BW: That makes a lot of sense. I'm intrigued by the mustard metaphor. It reminds me of one of those dead German philosophers. Siegfried, I think it was. You and him both seem very existential. Who says TV executives are chimps, right Garth?

JLH: I like mustard.

GA: People don't realize how hard we network presidents have to work. For instance, just this morning I had to figure out how to fit 19 episodes of Dateline into one week of primetime.

BW: Stone Phillips is the cat's pajamas, if you ask me. If other network news anchors had his piercing blue eyes and strong jawline, they'd have a lot more journalistic integrity in my book. Plus, his sweaters are marvelous.

GA: Stone Phillips' sweater collection is my proudest achievement at NBC. He was just nominated for a Best Outerwear Peabody for a record 4th straight year. He's a shoo-in to win again. But back to the mustard. I've taken a lot of heat for canceling wonderfully creative and original shows like Freaks and Geeks. But Freaks and Geeks was Grey Poupon and Dateline and Twenty One are good old fashioned plain yellow mustard.

We want to be the White Castle of networks and White Castle doesn't use Grey Poupon. How are we supposed to be fast food if we don't have the right mustard? You see what I'm saying?

BW: I understand completely. Jeff, it seems like your show Shasta is a lot like mustard too. How do you plan on shaping that mustard to the future of the entire metaphorical television hamburger.

JE: If I knew what metaphorical meant, I'm sure I'd have a snappy answer for it. Just like Shasta is snappy. But to be honest, I've always thought of television more as a bratwurst or some other member of the sausage family.

JLH: I think television is some kind of pudding.

DB: Don't be a moron. Television is a fine souflee. Which is one of today's specials, along with cream of broccoli soup. Can I freshen up anybody's water?

BW: Now Jeff, although we here at MyTeeVee just adore Shasta, your series has been harshly criticized by all manner of critics from famous television personalities to smart-ass websites run by slobbering drunkards. These comments usually run along the lines of "moronic," "brainless," "just slightly less intellectual than professional wrestling," yada, yada, yada. Your critics seem to paint you as a one-man army out to destroy Western civilization with one lousy sitcom after another. That's got to hurt.

JE: I tell you what, Barbara, it really does hurt. Here I am, busting my butt, trying to make the world a better place. And what do I get for my troubles? Nothing but heartache. If I and the rest of the cast and crew didn't have our faith, we'd be lost.

BW: So it's the strength of your beliefs that pull you through?

JE: Absolutely. You know why I cast Jake Busey? I hadn't even considered him at first, but when he came into my office to read for the part, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jeff, we're doing the Lord's work here." And he was so right.

Shasta isn't just about flatulence or veiled masturbation references or a preponderance of enhanced bust lines. Shasta is about a crusade, a divine manifesto sent to me in a vision of the Lord appearing before me and saying "Jeffrey, go forth and do produce a UPN sitcom about a low rent hip-hop group and their sassy pet parrot."

And when I woke up, I cleared all the Jack Daniels and Xanax bottles off my counter and got right to work. Sure, the assistant night manager rode my ass about customers getting stuck at the drive in for more than three minutes, but I didn't care. I had a mission. When you're trying to spread the word via sitcom, who cares whether you give the customer the six-piece or nine-piece McNuggets?

BW: That is so inspiring. In these fast paced days, it is really refreshing to see young people like yourself working for a greater good rather than dedicating themselves to an easy buck. Jennifer, you're a young person and a television star. Since we all know television stars are the people that care the most about their fellow humans, can you tell us how you plan on using TV to make the world a better place?

JLH: Not to toot my own horn, but I'm doing a lot to help humanity. For example, at next month's Blockbuster Awards I plan on wearing a dress with 27 different colored ribbons. That bitch Neve Campbnell has never had more than three at a time. Plus, just yesterday I signed an 8x10 glossy of myself that will be color copied and sent to tens of thousands of Kosovo refugees. It warms my heart to know that when they're sitting in the freezing rain, trying to scrape together enough food to feed their starving children, they can just look at my picture and take comfort in the fact that I'm still on TV.

BW: That is truly heartwarming. Excuse me a second, I need to find a tissue. OK, all better now. Let's stick with you for another minute Jennifer. What are these rumors that I keep hearing about your return to primetime?

JLH: Now that Time of Your Life has been cancelled, I've been able to devote myself to a truly once-in-a-lifetime dream project. Taking a cue from one of my heroes and one of the true giants of 20th century literature, Jewel, I've written a book of poetry. We're bringing the book to television this fall in a series called Jennifer Love Hewitt's Tank Top Poetry Hour.

BW: That ought to shut up all those snooty types who say there's nothing artistic on TV anymore and that Madonna can't act.

JLH: It will be very artistic. I'll be singing too. And talking with a cute puppet.

GA: If I could just cut in for a minute here, Barbara, I think the time is right to announce another of Jennifer's projects that we at NBC are very proud of. In response to all those mealymouth critics who falsely accuse us of being uncultured, we've just signed Jennifer to star in a number of Movies of the Week which combine the works of Shakespeare with the spunky characters she has already brightened our lives with.

First up will be Henry and the Party of V, in which Sarah moves to the Big Apple to find herself and gets engaged to the King of New York as he's preparing to attack the evil Duke of Atlantic City. Scott Wolf stars as King Henry and his "Upon Arbor Day" speech is absolutely stunning.

BW: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems like the future of television is in good hands indeed. Rare is the opportunity to sit amongst such an incredible assemblage of artistic talent and it has been my humble honor to do so. For the First Annual MyTeeVee Future of Television Summit, I'm Barbara Walters. Good night.

DB: Excuse me, but what about my opinions? I have Important Observations to Impart from my Days Upon the Sets of Quality Television Programs like ER and Law and Order. I am, after all, a Noted Character Actor.

BW: Who are you again?