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Books: The Paper Menace That Threatens Our Children's Well-Being

There's a Reason They're Banned

Here at VQTV, we take reading seriously. How can we not? After all, bad television shows are swiftly cancelled -- according to careful lab testing, only eight people nationwide were ever affected by South of Sunset -- but bad, dangerous books continue to propagate through our nation's school libraries.

Below, we've listed ten books we urge you to continue banning. If you see your children reading any of these, confiscate the book immediately and set them down in front of the television.

Forever, by Judy Blume

We don't object to the depictions of teenaged sex in this book; we object to how poorly it's depicted. Teenagers who are anxious or nervous about how to handle their first sexual encounters would do well to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead.

Clan of the Cave Bear, Valley of the Horses, The Mammoth Hunters and The Plains of Passage, by Jean M. Auel

Although fans of Auel's work will defend her four-book series as an exhaustively researched chronicle of humanity's earliest beginnings, we see this series for what it really is: Paleolithic pornography.

Go Ask Alice, by Anonymous

Television characters in the throes of addiction are frequently decried as unrealistic, but when an entire book hinges on an alleged teenaged drug addict who's so unfamiliar with the slang that she can only refer to marijuana as maryjane -- in 1968 -- than you know you're dealing with yet another example of the printed word as a vehicle for lies, pernicious lies. Go watch Alice -- starring the delightful and drug-free Linda Lavin.

Beloved, by Toni Morrison

Sure, the novel may be a dense exploration of the emotional devastation that shaped post-Emancipation African Americans. But we liked it better when it was made into a movie starring real-life television heroine Oprah Winfrey. Ban the book, keep the movie, we say.

Carrie, by Stephen King

Oh, sure, he claims the book is a metaphor for the transformative role menarche plays when a girl realizes her potential as a woman. But we know what this is -- a thinly veiled excuse to write about cruelty to pigs. Keep this inhumane book off the shelves.

American Psycho, by Brett Easton Ellis

We loved the Eighties. How dare anyone make fun of the decade that gave us Dynasty?

Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett

It took nearly forty years to build a Gothic Cathedral in twelfth-century England. Given Follett's turgid writing style, you'll feel as though you lived every minute in real time. Go elsewhere for your masonry epics -- like This Old House.

Canterbury Tales, by Geoffrey Chaucer

This is gibberish: "Whan that Apyll with his shoures sweete/ the droughte of March hath perced to the roote." If you want to watch incomprehensibilty, watch NYPD Blue: they don't speak a word of English but occasionally appease the audience by flashing Rich Schroeder's hindquarters.

Goosebumps, by R.L. Stine

Why should children have to settle for middling hack horror when they can watch Tales from the Crypt or The X-Files for truly gruesome explorations of things that go bump in the night?

The Great Gilly Hopkins, by Katherine Paterson

A mixed-up child rejects her loving foster mother in order to pursue her drug-addled, completely inadequate mother. The vicious antifamily agenda will confuse and depress children raised on a diet of loving parental television like Seventh Heaven.

by Jonathan P.Q. Piccaniño, Ed.D.

Too often, television comes under attack from luddite educators who wish to whole the glowing box responsible for the sad state of affairs that is the American Child of Today.

But the reality is far more complicated and far, far more sinister.

In reality, television is the only thing keeping most American kinds from falling into a cultural wasteland. In a nation where the educational system is crumbling around us, only television is there to help our children become productive members of society.

Witness the breadth of educational programs available on the television today. Whole channels -- Discovery, Animal Planet, History, A&E -- are devoted to educational topics such as science, nature, history, and poisonous snakes. Based on these shows alone, television would be a bounty.

But TV's worth goes far beyond that. Because our popular fiction shows, called "comedies" or "dramas," are in fact powerful educators in their own right. By exposing children to the realities of the world, TV series allow kids to be prepared for whatever challenges they will face in life, from the importance of escaping from a rolled-over car before it explodes, to the vital steps you need to take to clear your name if you're accused of a crime you didn't commit.

Still, the carping critics of television will fire back weakly with their accusations that television prevents kids from leading normal lives. And yet, these critics neglect to mention that the harm that books do far exceeds what "harm" television does.

Argument: TV causes kids to stay inside, forcing them to become nearsighted, socially retarded, pasty-faced losers.

In reality, kids who watch TV are normal, happy children. In just an hour, they can watch a complete drama; in half an hour, they can watch a comedy. In two hours, they can watch an entire movie based on a book.

Those short running times mean more time for outside play, with other children and by themselves! And with the valuable social skills they've learned from TV, they'll never let a simple misunderstanding due to an overheard conversation ever turn into a major situation that threatens their social relationships. That's just one example -- I could go on and on.

In contrast, look at books. Children rarely read books outside -- much more often, you find those children inside, reading their books... even when it's daytime outside! Setting aside the eyestrain associated with reading, let's recall that it can take a child days to finish reading a book. Imagine how much time they would be able to spend in play outside if they weren't tied down to their book!

Argument: TV gives kids a skewed view of the world.

This argument is so pathetic, I hesitate to even lend it any credence by mentioning it here. The fact is, TV is based in reality. The most popular brand of TV is, in fact, reality TV. You can't get more real than that.

Now look at books. How many kids do you see reading non-fiction books? Uh-huh. They're all reading fiction. Fiction is, if you didn't know, made up. It's all a bunch of lies. Do you want your kids' heads filled with lies? Or would you prefer the truth, courtesy of television?

I think I've made my point here.

Argument: TV is too "easy" for kids; books require more imagination.

Again, it's almost not worth arguing this point, other than to turn the argument back in the face of the critics: TV requires kids to process information visually and auditorily, and to do it simultaneously. This models precisely what happens in the real world, with the exception of the senses of smell and touch.

Books, in contrast, are just words on a page. Kids can read books as slow as they want; you can't slow down real life!

Argument: TV contains dangerous content that kids shouldn't see.

This final argument is the saddest of all -- and shows just how reading encourages poor development of critical faculties. Books are filled with dangerous content that shouldn't be read by children. Sex scenes abound in novels, even ones targeted at juveniles. In contrast, television has a powerful and clear ratings system that allows parents to monitor what their kids are watching. Does the hippie behind the desk at the local Public Library branch have a V-Chip in her head? No!

But your TV, it's got a V-Chip. As it should be.

What Should Be Done

It's clear that childrens' access to books should be seriously curtailed. Before college, kids should have almost no contact with books of any sort. Television is sufficiently educating our kids today, despite the hours of time they spend in schools, reading books. The answer is clear: Schools should be abolished in favor of eight more hours of television viewing daily by all children in America.

In addition to saving huge amounts of tax money, our kids will end up being smarter and better armed to face whatever challenges life brings them, from government conspiracies involving alien cover-ups to romantic entanglements involving the group of friends they hang out with in their workplace, coffee shop, police precinct, or hospital.

JONATHAN P.Q. PICCANIÑO IS A DIRECTOR OF EDUCATIONAL POLICY AT THE EDISON INSTITUTE, A PRIVATE THINKTANK DEVOTED TO REFORMING THE AMERICAN EDUCATION SYSTEM VIA TELEVISION.