Hosts of THE CAT and THE MOLE

Kathy Griffin

Anderson Cooper

Assuming hosting duties for The Cat is talented actress and comedienne Kathy Griffin. Best known as the voice of Alice on the animated series Dilbert, Kathy was selected as host after winning our Be the Host of The Mole Contest (aired on ABC as Celebrity Mole: Hawaii.) We know you'll appreciate her energy and ebullient wit, almost as much as she appreciates the continued employment.

Fans of The Mole may be wondering what happened to former host Anderson Cooper. Anderson has moved on to CNN, where he now reports on reality instead of living it. Since the news was released that he would not be hosting The Cat, Anderson has received hundreds of letters from fans begging him to return. His busy schedule precludes him from answering each letter individually, so Anderson asked us to post this response on our web site, where all of his adoring fans can read it.

Note: ABC, Inc. in no way endorses the viewpoints expressed by Anderson Cooper in the following letter.

THE CAT is Penny Ante Escapist Television That I'm Way Too Serious a Journalist to be a Part Of

By Anderson Cooper

Hi, this is Anderson Cooper. You probably know me as the host of The Mole and The Mole 2: The Next Betrayal. You probably don't know me from my years of work as an ABC News correspondent, or from my new gig as an anchor at CNN, since that would mean that you watch, or actually have an awareness of, the news. In fact, if some of the letters you monkeys have been inundating me with are any indication, most of you would be unable to spell CNN.

My dance card has been pretty full lately, but I wanted to take the time to send a special message to all of you who have written to me about my work as host of The Mole: Please stop writing to me. I am not going to host another reality show, no matter how many of you shut-ins harasses me about it. All letters I receive care of The Mole now go directly into the CNN dumpster, as do all of the other gifts and knickknacks and assorted crap that you people send me. Except the panties. I'm keeping the panties.

Look, I did The Mole as a stopgap, okay? Even serious journalists have their lean times. With my stint at ABC News ending, and two more years of interest on my student loans staring me in the face, I had to get paid employment fast. When I got the offer for The Mole I thought, hey, this clunker's going to last, what, maybe three episodes? The dollar figure was certainly right. A couple of quick paychecks, I figured, would tide me over for the month or two it would take me to hook up with CNN or MSNBC.

How the hell could I have known there's a whole nation of half-wits out there that would burrow into this televised dung heap like so many beetles? And there I was, perched atop the mountain of steaming offal, and locked into a two-year contract.

Do you think I actually enjoyed humiliating myself by taking part in that farcical garbage? Here's a hint: During my time as host of The Mole, did you ever see me looking anything other than miserable? Ever even see me crack a genuine-looking smile? That was not, as some have speculated, a cool, detached façade I was putting on. It was the look of a man who was inwardly cursing each and every one of you to all of the most excruciating tortures of hell.

It was that, and constipation. Traveling the world has its perks, but having to digest the national cuisines of twenty different countries over the course of three weeks is not one of them. Did you know that there are at least seven different nations where every meal is basically a brownish drool that you dip a piece of pita in? What the hell is that? Put in a freakin' Burger King, India!

But contracts end, thank God. I have since secured a cushy position at CNN, a network that most of you probably click past on your way up to the Ernest marathon on TBS. A few months ago, Scott Stone approached me about hosting his retooled version of The Mole. I gave him the finger and showed him the door. I'm a journalist, God damn it, I've got real work to do. I'm not going to spend another day of my life as some half-assed Monty Hall.

Anyway, you couldn't pay me enough to work with Stone again. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who lists his cat as a partner in his production company is just not right in the head.

I just want to forget The Mole ever existed, and I wish that you would, too. Is that so much to ask? Just stick to your Moles and Survivors and Idols and leave us serious journalists the hell alone to do our jobs, okay? Idiots.

Sincerely, Anderson Cooper

The Cat can be seen every Monday night at 8 PM, 7 Central.