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"Alex is innocent, I tell you!"

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ME
I am a:	man
Looking for a:	no preference
Interested In:	Friendship, Play, Dating, Serious Relationship, Houseplant Swap, Any Human Contact At All
Age:	33
Location:	Nowhere, Middle of
Country:	United States of Self-Pity
Area Code:	555
Occupation:	Un(der)employed
Education:	Too Much
Ethnicity:	Polish, White, Puerto Rican/Chinese/Congolese blend
Religion:	Any
Star Sign:	Loser
Relationship Status:	Single with Cheese
Have Children:	Yes
Want Children:	No

MY GOODS
Height:	6', uh, maybe 5' 11"
Weight:	21.5 stone
Hair:	Yes
Eye Color:	Sickly green

MY HABITS
Cigarettes	Only if you do
Booze:	IV drip
Drugs:	Never ever ever as long as John Ashcroft is asking around
Self-love:	Not at this precise instant
Self-deprecation:	About the same as breathing

YOU
Age Between:	5-140
Within:	13,000 miles
Education:	Basic literacy -- no, never mind, no preference
Religion:	Any allowing pre-martial sex
Ethnicity:	Any allowing pre-martial sex
Star Sign:	approximately human
Have Children:	No thanks, I brought some
Want Children:	You can have mine

YOUR GOODS
Height:	some
Weight:	any
Hair:	yes on top, no on bottom
Eye Color:	matching, please

YOUR HABITS
Cigarettes:	Absolutely
Booze:	Absolutely
Drugs:	Absolutely (unless John Ashcroft is watching)
Self-love	Oh my God yes, please, yes!
Self-deprecation:	I have enough to spare

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

	Last great TV show I saw
	Angel. I can't believe they cancelled it! I'm going to write a letter! Firefly. Anything by Joss Whedon, actually. I'm going to write a letter! Oh, and Farscape. Dammit, cancelled again! I'd better make an e-mail list.

	Favorite on-screen sex scene
	Any time T'Pol is onscreen.

	Celebrity I resemble most
	Drew Carey.

	Best or worst lie I've ever told
	I met this girl at a Magic: the Gathering tournament who was a Clay Aiken fan. So I said, "American Idol is the best show on TV." When I left she was in the parking lot in the back seat of the moderator's Camry. Those guys get all the chicks.

	If I could be anywhere at the moment
	In front of a widescreen TV with a new DirecTiVo with HDTV support during an Asia Carrera career retrospective. On a very comfortable couch.

	Song or album that puts me in the mood
	The theme from Good Times The theme from What's Happening!! The theme from Shaft

	The five items I can't live without
	TV DirecTiVo Universal remote control Girls Gone Wild commercials Howard Stern's show on E! Levitra Yes, that's six items. Write me and tell me about it!

	Fill in the blanks
	TV is sexy; Watching TV is sexier

	In my bedroom, you'll find
	A TV, of course, a well-worn DVD player, the shattered remnants of my dreams, a large steaming heap of self-loathing, and a framed first edition Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster. And laundry. Lots of laundry.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME

I am an overweight television fan who works out of his basement. I have erectile dysfunction, ADHD, major depression, athlete's foot, hypertension, all five Planet of the Apes movies on DVD, crushing child support bills, and a hairy back.

MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

I may have given you the idea I'm looking for anyone. And that's true :) But what I really want is a Star Trek fan with enormous funbags and a 22-inch waist. Someone who can wear nothing but patent leather hip boots and lip gloss and ride the elevator to the lobby with me during Fantasm. Remember Harold and Nadine from _The Stand_? I'm Harold. You're Nadine.
Failing that, you can just be willing to do me.

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