Dead Pool: Rating the Shows
Yesterday we announced the latest edition of our annual Dead Pool contest, picking not the best shows or the worst shows but the ones most likely to be killed.
Now it’s time for our annual handicapping of the season’s new shows. Which ones are strong, and which are weak? Who will be the first to go? Read our picks and then decide for yourself:
Sunday
The War at Home
| When It’s On: | Sundays at 8:30 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC), Cold Case (CBS), The West Wing (NBC), Charmed (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Michael Rappaport is a suburban dad — and a horrible, bigoted lout. Ha ha ha ha… guh. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | A latter day Archie Bunker on Married, With Children with all the funny removed, beaten to a pulp, and left to die slowly in some dimly-lit alley. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Fox executives actually watch some of the terrors they loose upon us and recoil in shame and horror. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Well, American Dad is no longer the worst show on Fox’s Sunday schedule. That’s progress of a sort. |
| Points: | 10 |
Monday
Surface
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), King of Queens (CBS), Arrested Development (Fox), One on One (UPN), 7th Heaven (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Mysterious aqua critters begin appearing from sea to shining sea. And they do… um…. mysterious things. It’s all rather unclear at this point. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Lost on the high seas, matey! |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Oh for God’s sake… mysterious sea creatures, people. Is the lack of widespread appeal that hard to deduce? |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Displaced Seaquest DSV fans vow not to squander this second chance for aquatic-based sci-fi silliness. |
| Points: | 13 |
How I Met Your Mother
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 8:30 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), Kitchen Confidential (Fox), Surface (NBC), All of Us (UPN), 7th Heaven (WB) |
| What It’s About: | In 2030, the ghostly voice-over of Bob Saget regales his offspring with tales of how he met and courted their mother. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | A 20-something-skewing Wonder Years… only the wonder year is now. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Ever since I heard him cussing up a blue streak in The Aristocrats, Bob Saget — even in voice-over form — really freaks the hell out of me. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | The awesome power of Doogie Howser, his own bad self, can stave off the Saget-inspired willies any day. |
| Points: | 42 |
Kitchen Confidential
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 8:30 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), How I Met Your Mother (CBS), Surface (NBC), All of Us (UPN), 7th Heaven (WB) |
| What It’s About: | A brilliant-if-unhinged chef does horrible things and treats his devoted staff shamefully while we sit back and laugh at his general awfulness. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Emeril, if Emeril Lagasse was a real jerk and had a lot more sex scenes during his assorted Food Network programs. I mean, more than he does now. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Fox has paired it with Arrested Development in what appears to be the network’s most recent “We’re just waiting for you to get hooked on both shows before we cancel them on a whim” bloc of programming. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | If Fox was going to make like Chief in the final scene of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and smother Arrested Development with a pillow, it’s had plenty of opportunity to do so already. Maybe Kitchen Confidential gets a similar reprieve. |
| Points: | 20 |
Prison Break
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 9 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), Two-and-a-Half Men (CBS), Las Vegas (NBC), Girlfriends (UPN), Just Legal (WB) |
| What It’s About: | A brilliant engineer commits a crime so that he can get thrown into the hoosegow with his death-row inmate brother for the sole purpose of freeing said brother in a scheme so complex it requires a full-body prison tattoo. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Every prison drama you’ve ever seen, with fewer rape sequences and an exponential increase in body art. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Really, the title of the show kind of gives away the ending. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | It better not — the Schmeiser-Michaels household needs the extra income. |
| Points: | 72 |
Just Legal
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 9 p.m. on WB |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), Two-and-a-Half Men (CBS), Prison Break (Fox), Las Vegas (NBC), Girlfriends (UPN) |
| What It’s About: | The publishers of “Hustler” push the boundaries of network TV by presenting a steady parade of beautifully bodacious babes who just turned eighte… hmmmm? Oh. Turns out this is some sort of legal drama with the kid from Undeclared and Nash Bridges. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Got nothing to do with hardcore pornography. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Well, they just lost one viewer, I can tell you that much. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Most other deviants are not as quick on the uptake as yours truly. |
| Points: | 15 |
Out of Practice
| When It’s On: | Mondays at 9:30 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Monday Night Football (ABC), Prison Break (Fox), Las Vegas (NBC), Girlfriends (UPN), Just Legal (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Henry Winkler and Stockard Channing leave behind their cushy supporting roles on better-regarded shows to head up this clunker about a divorced couple running a medical practice. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | A bad career move. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | A generation’s seething resentment of Fonzarelli and Rizzo is finally laid bare. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Shittier shows than this have been kept afloat by the sheer inertia of CBS’s Monday night lineup. |
| Points: | 20 |
Tuesday
Bones
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | According to Jim (ABC), NCIS (CBS), The Biggest Loser (NBC), America’s Next Top Model repeat (UPN), Gilmore Girls (WB) |
| What It’s About: | In a radical departure from TV convention, a forensic anthropologist puts her skill to work solving crimes for the FBI. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | CSI: Quantico |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | This feels like the 70th time I’ve typed “…and she solves crimes” this month. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Be they Zoe or Emily, we digs the Deschanels. |
| Points: | 60 |
Commander in Chief
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | The Amazing Race (CBS), House (Fox), My Name Is Earl (NBC), Sex, Love, and Secrets (UPN), Supernatural (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Geena Davis is a woman! And a president! |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The West Wing! With a chick! Instead of a dude! |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | With Davis’ character a political independent and Donald Sutherland lacking only a black cape and sinister mustache to twirl in his role as the world’s most evil Speaker of the House, it appears that “realism” and “nuance” are not high on this show’s priority list. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | It took Aaron Sorkin a couple years to run West Wing into the ground; surely the brain trust behind this show can gut it out for six months. |
| Points: | 32 |
My Name Is Earl
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Commander in Chief (ABC), The Amazing Race (CBS), House (Fox), Sex, Love, and Secrets (UPN), Supernatural (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Shifty, ne’er-do-well cashes a winning lotto ticket and vows to atone for his past behavior. Hilarity ensues. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Like many other NBC sitcoms, only with hilarity actually ensuing. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Stuck on a floundering network’s most problematic night of programming and up against well-rated returning shows (Race, House), Earl couldn’t be more doomed if it were a gruff-but-lovable beat cop just one day away from retirement. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Hey, one halfway decent show has to make it to spring. |
| Points: | 18 |
Supernatural
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on WB |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Commander in Chief (ABC), The Amazing Race (CBS), House (Fox), My Name Is Earl (NBC), Sex, Love, and Secrets (UPN) |
| What It’s About: | Two witless pretty boys investigate spooky goings-on to get to the bottom of their mother’s untimely death. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | A Lost-y X Files combo platter with the WB’s usual smattering of Dawson’s Creek. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Well, it’s stupidly written. That should count for something, right? |
| Why It Won’t Be: | The fates, they are arbitrary and capricious bastards. |
| Points: | 8 |
Sex, Lies & Secrets
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on UPN |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Commander in Chief (ABC), The Amazing Race (CBS), House (Fox), My Name Is Earl (NBC), Supernatural (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Fabulously beautiful people scheme, connive, and backstab in a trendy Los Angeles neighborhood. Oh yes, they also fornicate — we mustn’t forget about the fornication. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Melrose Place, relocated to a few zip codes away. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Well, there’s the title for starters. Not terribly evocative, though I suppose it’s better than the more accurate Hunks, Boobies & Banality. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Perhaps the UPN’s new-found programming competence extends to this show as well. I mean, it doesn’t, but we try to be charitable every now and again. |
| Points: | was 10; off the board as of October 3 |
Close to Home
| When It’s On: | Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | October 4 |
| What It’s Up Against: | Boston Legal (ABC), Law & Order: SVU (NBC) |
| What It’s About: | A suburban mom battles crime as a crusading prosecutor. And she does so earnestly, dammit. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Judging Amy, right down to the time slot. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Seriously — enough with the procedural dramas about crime-solving super-women. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Executive Producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s contract with the Devil for success producing the same show over and over again runs through 2012. |
| Points: | 45 |
Wednesday
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | George Lopez (ABC), Still Standing (CBS), That ’70s Show (Fox), America’s Next Top Model (UPN), One Tree Hill (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Domestic goddess/prisoner no. 24601 Martha Stewart picks herself out a protege from a cast of wannabes. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The Apprentice, seasoned with the hard-boiled, world-weary attitude of an embittered ex-con. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Don’t know if you’ve picked up on this subtle undercurrent, but America isn’t exactly enamored with Martha. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | “You’re not going to watch my show? Bitch, I’ll cut you! Don’t you know I’m loco?” |
| Points: | 65 |
Freddie
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 8:30 p.m. on ABC |
| When It Starts: | October 5 |
| What It’s Up Against: | Still Standing (CBS), That ’70s Show (Fox), The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC), America’s Next Top Model (UPN), One Tree Hill (WB) |
| What It’s About: | I guess Sarah Michelle Gellar got tired of hubby only getting up off the couch to cash her Grudge royalty checks because Freddie Prinze’s kid went and landed himself a self-titled sitcom where he’s a bachelor living with his grandmother, niece, sister-in-law, and sister. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Chico and the Women |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | After seeing Prinze as an aspiring ballplayer (Summer Catch), star-fighter pilot (Wing Commander) and cartoon character (those godawful Scooby Doo movies), all with equal levels of ineptitude, I fear he doesn’t have the range to convincingly play a man named Freddie. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Jim Belushi’s set the bar pretty low for actors aspiring to sitcom fame and fortune on the Mouse Network. |
| Points: | 15 |
Criminal Minds
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Lost (ABC), Head Cases (Fox), E-Ring (NBC), Veronica Mars (UPN), Related (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Broadway showman and Crestor pitchman Mandy Patinkin hunts down creeps and sickos with the help of that guy from Dharma & Greg whose name I never bothered to learn. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The Silence of the Lambs, with probably not near enough emphasis on the “silence” part for my tastes. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | CBS airs, what, 42 of these crime-solving procedural dramas these days? Doesn’t that seem like a few too many? |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Apparently, it doesn’t seem like a few too many, since, at the rate we’re going, we’re about a season away from the all-CSI prime-time lineup. |
| Points: | 35 |
Head Cases
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered. And canceled. |
| What It’s Up Against: | Lost (ABC), Criminal Minds (CBS), E-Ring (NBC), Veronica Mars (UPN), Related (WB) |
| What It’s About: | A slick corporate lawyer with a depressing home life becomes law partners with a twitchy ambulance-chaser prone to punching people in the face. Why? Because if they don’t pair up, Fox has an hour-long hole on its schedule, silly. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The Odd Couple with legal procedures and a hilarious dose of mental illness. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Because it already has been. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | I guess we’ll never know. |
| Points: | Off the Board |
E-Ring
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Lost (ABC), Criminal Minds (CBS), Head Cases (Fox), Veronica Mars (UPN), Related (WB) |
| What It’s About: | The inner workings of the Pentagon, where our elite military operations are master-minded by Benjamin Bratt and — shudder — Dennis Hopper. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The evening news but — since this is a a work of fiction — with a competent commander in chief. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Do you really think you’ll be able to sleep at night after watching Dennis Hopper planning our next invasion? |
| Why It Won’t Be: | In fairness to Hopper, it’s not like he could do any worse than the guy planning our current invasions. |
| Points: | 20 |
Related
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on WB |
| When It Starts: | October 5 |
| What It’s Up Against: | Lost (ABC), Criminal Minds (CBS), Head Cases (Fox), E-Ring (NBC), Veronica Mars (UPN) |
| What It’s About: | This is a show about four women… who are all related. Just as an aside, I love it when the show’s title explains the premise behind the series in its entirety. Oh, for the days of Unfunny Buddy Comedy or Space Filler or even David Caruso Solves Crimes You Figured Out by the Second Commercial Break. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Sisters: 2005 Edition |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Major casting overhauls right before a show hits the airwaves are usually the sign of a program beginning life with one foot already in the grave. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | I’ll say this for the show — it delivers what the title promises. |
| Points: | 25 |
Invasion
| When It’s On: | Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on ABC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | CSI: New York (CBS), Law & Order: Original Flavor (NBC) |
| What It’s About: | A hurricane hits a southern town — hey, how timely! — bringing with it an apparent alien invasion. A sheriff and forest ranger investigate the ensuing weirdness. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Lost meets The X-Files amid footage lifted from The Weather Channel. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | These days, nothing is more entertaining than people dealing with the aftermath of a hurricane. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | These freaky-deaky “The Truth is Out There” shows seem to be all the rage these days. |
| Points: | 15 |
Thursday
Everybody Hates Chris
| When It’s On: | Thursdays at 8 p.m. on UPN |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Alias (ABC), Survivor: Guatemala (CBS), The OC (Fox), Joey (NBC), Smallville (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Heart-warming tales from Chris Rock’s stark childhood as related by the man himself. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | The Wonder Years, set two decades later and with a decidedly hipper narrator than Daniel Stern. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the notion that UPN would air something worth watching, and I suspect I’m not the only one. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | C’mon — you don’t think Chris Rock could take Matthew LeBlanc in a fair fight? |
| Points: | 100 |
Night Stalker
| When It’s On: | Thursdays at 9 p.m. on ABC |
| When It Starts: | September 29 |
| What It’s Up Against: | CSI (CBS), Reunion (Fox), The Apprentice (NBC), Cuts (UPN), Everwood (WB) |
| What It’s About: | A reporter investigates creepy, supernatural goings-on. If this sounds vaguely reminiscent of a similarly titled show from the 1970s, then you, like me, are closer to death than you care to think about. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Kolchak: The Night Stalker. Again. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Because it’s not as if there isn’t already a pool of repeat episodes readily available for Kolchak-hungry viewers. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | If this retread takes off, we are one step closer to my dream of a Then Came Bronson remake. |
| Points: | 25 |
Reunion
| When It’s On: | Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Night Stalker (ABC), CSI (CBS), The Apprentice (NBC), Cuts (UPN), Everwood (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Twenty years in the life of high school chums from the Class of ‘86, who have become implicated in some sort of mysterious tragedy by 2006. And no, the tragedy isn’t the ridiculous make-up and hair extensions the cast will be wearing as they age in place each week. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Murder, She Wrote stretched out across two decades. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | The contents of an 18-wheeler freight truck stuffed to the bursting point with Kraft Singles doesn’t contain this much cheese. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Cancel it quickly and deny ourselves the majesty of grunge-era hairstyles? Are you mad? |
| Points: | 10 |
Love Inc.
| When It’s On: | Thursdays at 9:30 p.m. on UPN |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Night Stalker (ABC), CSI (CBS), Reunion (Fox), The Apprentice (NBC), Everwood (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Holly Robinson Peete plays a sophisticated businesswoman running a match-making operation who — sing along if you know the words! — can’t solve her own romantic troubles. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Miss Match, the similarly-themed hour-long show starring Alicia Silverstone that came and went in 2003 with exactly zero fuss. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | I will never, ever forgive this show for depriving us the special brand of crazy that would have accompanied the since-recast Shannen Doherty’s return to prime time. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | If this show can make the fall schedule, it’s not like UPN is overflowing with solid alternative plans. |
| Points: | 8 |
Friday
Ghost Whisperer
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 8 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Supernanny (ABC), The Bernie Mac Show (Fox), Dateline NBC (NBC), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN), What I Like About You (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Jennifer Love Hewitt is an antique-shop owner who sees dead people — and helps them with their unfinished earthly business. First up on the agenda: get the ghosts some better acting gigs. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Tru Calling, only with the acting talents of Eliza Dushku swapped out for Jennifer Love Hewitt |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Another failed series brings Jennifer Love Hewitt ever closer to posing topless in some magazine spread. And not one of those “classy” magazines, either. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Please, CBS — cancel this show. |
| Points: | 12 |
Twins
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 8:30 p.m. on WB |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Supernanny (ABC), Ghost Whisperer (CBS), The Bernie Mac Show (Fox), Dateline NBC (NBC), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN) |
| What It’s About: | Two twin sisters — one’s a dim hottie, the other’s booksmart and plain (or at least, TV’s idea of plain) — do battle for control of their parents’ lingerie business. Melanie Griffith and Mark Linn-Baker are along for the ride as the mismatched siblings’ equally mismatched parents. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | That Coors Lite “Twins” ad come frighteningly to life. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Balki ain’t here to bail out your ass this time, Linn-Baker. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Enough lonely teen-age boys stuck at home on a Friday night will hear the words “underwear models” and tune in to keep the show afloat until the new year. |
| Points: | 10 |
Killer Instinct
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 9 p.m. on Fox |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Hope & Faith (ABC), Threshold (CBS), Three Wishes (NBC), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN), Reba (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Johnny Messner is a cop on the edge tracking down sick-o punks on the streets of San Francisco. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Uh… The Streets of San Francisco? Or maybe it’s a watered-down network version of Dirty Harry. Sort of like Unkempt Harry. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Behold, TV viewers — this year’s version of the 9-p.m.-on-Fridays show Fox inevitably kills by the final pitch of the World Series. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Unexpected rain delays could force the World Series to drag on into November. |
| Points: | 5 |
Threshold
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 9 p.m. on CBS |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Hope & Faith (ABC), Killer Instinct (Fox), Three Wishes (NBC), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN), Reba (WB) |
| What It’s About: | The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming! And the only people standing between us and our new alien overlords are Karen Sisco, Commander Data and The Station Agent. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Lost meets Independence Day. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | The long and illustrious history of sci-fi shows — regardless of whether they’re top-notch or bottom-drawer — to die quick, unlamented deaths. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Well, the sci-fi geeks gotta get a win one of these days, don’t they? |
| Points: | 12 |
Three Wishes
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 9 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | Hope & Faith (ABC), Threshold (CBS), Killer Instinct (Fox), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN), Reba (WB) |
| What It’s About: | Amy Grant visits fly-over country, listens to a couple of sob stories, and then makes things all better using rich Uncle G.E’s checkbook. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with a cute-if-banal pop singer tagging in for monkey-boy Ty Pennington. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | It’s manipulative pabulum, calculated to tug at the heartstrings of slack-jawed Red Staters. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Taken a look at who’s calling the shots in the U.S. of A. lately, champ? |
| Points: | 50 |
Hot Properties
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC |
| When It Starts: | October 7 |
| What It’s Up Against: | Threshold (CBS), Killer Instinct (Fox), Friday Night Smackdown (UPN), Living with Fran (WB) |
| What It’s About: | They’re Manhattanites! They sell real estate! And they’re man-crazy, baby! |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Sex in the City, brought to you by your good friends at Remax. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Mathematical proofs aren’t this derivative. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Lead Gail O’Grady looks like she was culled from the genetic leavings of Faith Ford and Kelly Ripa, and their meager sitcom has done fairly well for ABC on Fridays. |
| Points: | 35 |
Inconceivable
| When It’s On: | Fridays at 10 p.m. on NBC |
| When It Starts: | Already Premiered |
| What It’s Up Against: | 20/20 (ABC), Numb3rs (CBS) |
| What It’s About: | You know how everyone’s sitting around waiting for the news that some day, somehow, some network would air a show about life and love set in the rough-and-tumble world of fertility clinics? Well, that time is now at hand. |
| So Basically, It’s…: | Frozen Assets, the late ’80s Corbin Bernsen-Shelley Long romantic comedy set in a sperm bank. Presumably, this hour-long drama will feature more laughs. |
| Why It Will Be Canceled Quickly: | Every time someone says the title, a part of my brain hears Wallace Shawn from The Princess Bride shouting “Inconceivable!” And “Wallace Shawn” and “fertility clinic” are two concepts I don’t want occupying my head at the same time. |
| Why It Won’t Be: | Think of all the masturbation jokes NBC will deny the world if it cancels this show too quickly. I mean, Lutz has 23 jokes ready to go as I type this. |
| Points: | 17 |