He's got the whole World Atlas in his hands
Before reviewing The Amazing Race: Family Edition — synopsis: not as bad as feared, but not nearly so good as The Amazing Race: Original Recipe — I would like to briefly discuss a troubling trend on the show. It involves the Weaver family and its matriarch, who has gotten into the habit of soliciting Jesus Christ for help at every opportunity. I am not talking about noble, humble entreaties such as “Lord, please keep my family safe from danger,” but rather more prosaic requests such as “Jesus, help me find the off-ramp” or “I need help reading this map, Jesus.”
I have attended Sunday School. I have read the Bible, including the middle parts which tend to drag a little bit. I have, over the course of my life, been acclimated to the tenants of Christianity, or at least, the Lutheran version thereof.
And up until now, I had no idea that Jesus was now employed by OnStar. I guess that happened after He ascended into heaven.
“OnStar Jesus, help me!”
“Yes, ma’am? How may I be of service today?”
“I’m on my way to a wedding, and I must have taken a wrong turn. I’m hopelessly lost. Also, I was supposed to bring the wine and all I have are these jugs of water.”
“Fear not, ma’am. I can solve both of your problems.”
“Great! Also, I think my son is developing leprosy.”
“Ma’am… one miracle at a time, please. Let’s get started on those directions…”