Watch Me... If You Dare!
October is here, and you know what that means for television viewers. An atmosphere of foreboding and dread! Carnage! Slaughter! And then, after the San Diego Padres are eliminated from the playoffs, horror flicks!
That’s right, horror flicks galore, more than you can shake a bloody stump at. So many that it’s kind of intimidating, actually. How can you possibly pick one or two good fright films to watch from this huge selection, and be assured you aren’t setting yourself up for an hour’s worth of cinematic offal?
What you need is some kind of handy guide to help you separate the wicked wheat from the chilling chaff. But where can you find such thing? Who would be so lacking in the life department that they would sit through hours and hours of crap just to find one or two worthwhile productions? And who, after already burning so many hours of precious, fleeting existence, would be so pathetic as to waste even more time writing about it for no thanks or compensation of any kind?
Oh, hello there. Welcome to TeeVee.
Happy Halloween!
“An American Werewolf in London,” Wed, Oct. 26, 10 p.m., AMC
This John Landis classic has everything you could possibly ask for in a werewolf flick: The most impressive transformation scene ever put to celluloid, dark comedy that’s actually funny, and Jenny Agutter in a nurse’s outfit. Rrrrrrrooowlll, indeed.
What, you want more? Fine. You remember that commercial from the late seventies with the guy prancing gaily down a crowded city street in a brown vest, pronouncing to the world in joyous song that, “I’m a Pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper, we’re a Pepper?” Remember how much you wanted to see that guy horribly mauled by some sort of vicious, wild animal? Well, today’s your lucky day, my friend.
Two American students, David and Jack, are backpacking across the English moors when they’re attacked by a wolf. Jack is killed, while David is seriously injured and is taken to a London hospital to recover. There he gradually begins to realize that he’s turning into a wolf himself, a generally crappy situation that’s not much helped by his dead friend periodically showing up, in increasing states of decay, and exhorting David to kill himself.
I find that werewolf movies usually kind of blow — if I wanted to be freaked out by dogs, I’d go hang out with the white trash guy down the street who has two pit bulls and eight fingers — but this one is a bona fide classic. It was one of the first horror movies to try to mix the scary and the funny, and one of maybe three total to do both things well.
Unfortunately, since this is airing on AMC, most of the good gore bits will likely have been hacked out. The half-dozen nude shots of the Pepper’s pooper, on the other hand, will not be missed.
“Audition,” Wed, Oct. 19, 12:30 a.m., Sundance
This Japanese-made gem is not one of those happy-fun-time, killer-in-the-woods, oh-look-at-the-funny-intestines movies that you watch, laugh about, and forget by the next day. If you manage to sit through all of “Audition”, it’s going to stick with you for a while. And you’ll probably discover that you don’t really want it hanging around all that much. Unfortunately, you can wash out your underwear, but you can’t wash out your soul.
Of all the movies in this round up, “Audition” is the most truly horrifying, largely because it deals not with monsters or supernatural forces, but with human emotions and the perversions they drive us to. Apart from the dream sequences, the events in “Audition” could really happen. You’ll hope to God that they never happen to you.
The story opens on Aoyama, a widower who, as his son is growing older and apart from him, discovers that he has become lonely for female companionship. A friend who works in television sets up a fake casting call so that Aoyama can pre-screen potential girlfriends. Aoyama becomes infatuated with one of the applicants, and sets up a private meeting with her to find out more. As a relationship develops between the two, however, Aoyama begins to suspect that there may be some dark secrets hidden in the girl’s mysterious past.
“Audition’s” genius is in its slow pacing. The first third of the movie is more or less a romantic comedy; those expecting a fast-paced splatterfest will be tempted to bolt. Then, gradually, director Takashi Miike starts mixing in worrisome signs and hints of the awfulness to come. By the time the last half hour rolls around, dread is roiling in your gut like a whole bag of Olestra-laden potato chips. You’ll find yourself imagining the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, and when the finale comes, you’ll discover just how limited your paltry imagination actually is.
I learned of “Audition’s” existence last year, when Bravo took a break from their regularly-scheduled All Poker’n’Homos lineup to air 100 Scariest Movie Moments. Unfortunately, the segment on “Audition” ruined most of the movie’s impact by revealing not only the film’s most startling moment, but also most of its awful denouement. “Audition” will hit you hardest if you don’t know what’s coming. If you think you can handle one of the most gut-wrenching half hours ever filmed, don’t read anything more about it, and don’t examine the DVD case, which reveals the movie’s most unpleasant surprise, until you’ve had a chance to see the movie.
“The Believers,” Mon, Oct. 10, 5:50 p.m., Encore Action
I put this in here because it’s one of only two voodoo flicks on the docket this month — the other being the excellent “The Serpent and the Rainbow” — and voodoo creeps me out big time. To be honest, though, I saw “The Believers” only once in the theater and I don’t remember a whole heck of a lot about it. In fact, only two particularly horrific images from the film have stayed lodged in my mind. One is a disturbing electrocution scene in the movie’s opening moments. The other is Martin Sheen making hot monkey love. Aieeeeee!
“The Blair Witch Project,” Sat, Oct. 29, 8 p.m., FX
Three dumbshits hike into the woods with cameras to seek evidence of the fabled Blair Witch. Once there, the dumbshits become hopelessly lost. Eventually, one of the dumbshits disappears, leaving behind something that may or may not be his nose. Hilarity ensues.
There is no middle ground with “The Blair Witch Project”. Everyone I know who’s seen it was either totally freaked out by the film, or thought it was irredeemably stupid. Having experienced firsthand the joys of waking up at 2 AM to the delightful sounds of a bear outside the tent, effortlessly shredding the bark off the tree that holds your food, I side with the former camp.
Those who love the movie claim that “Blair Witch’s” greatness arises from the way it was made: namely, by dumping three dumbshits in the woods with cameras, then proceeding to bang on their tents with sticks in the middle of the night. The growing fear and tension on display feels incredibly real because it is real.
Those who hate the movie claim that you’d have to be an idiot to pay ten bucks to watch three dumbshits wet themselves in a tent.
Try “Blair Witch” on for size and decide for yourself. If you want to give the movie a fair shake, though, you should really go out and rent it. Having to sit through a Charmin commercial every ten minutes — appropriately targeted though the ad may be — will severely hinder the film’s mood.
“Cabin Fever,” Thu, Oct. 20, 4:20 a.m., HBO Plus
Because “Cabin Fever” came out in 2002, you might imagine it to be one of those crappy, hip teen slashers that “Scream” unleashed on the world. On the contrary, “Cabin Fever” is a conscious attempt to buck that horrible trend and resurrect the spirit of the gruesome, nihilistic horror films that flourished in the 1970’s. It fails miserably at that goal, but hey, A for effort, man.
Five college kids head to a cabin in the mountains for a week of partying, only to be set upon by a blood covered hunter with a really nasty skin condition. After the guy conveniently wrecks their only means of escape, the kids manage to ward him off; if you can call setting somebody on fire “warding him off.” They discover soon afterwards that the hunter has infected them with some sort of flesh-eating disease, which then proceeds to eat their flesh, as flesh-eating diseases so often do.
Though “Cabin Fever” borrows liberally from a bunch of great horror films, it doesn’t even come close to being frightening. Everything is played for laughs, which neuters the abundant, well-done gore. There’s little mystery about who does and doesn’t have the disease. Even the inevitable fighting and paranoia that breaks out among the kids is short on tension. And you can’t very well have a virus jump out at you from a dark corner.
But there are enough good things about the movie to make it a worthwhile watch. For one thing, although the movie’s sense of humor destroys its sense of horror, “Cabin Fever” is really, really funny. My favorite bits are a literal gag featuring a harmonica, and any scene featuring Dennis, a bemulleted, Kung Fu-kicking hillbilly boy with a penchant for biting anyone in his proximity. The filmmakers also get extra points for having the characters drink lots of Arrogant Bastard Ale, which is the bestest beer ever. And it’s a real treat to finally get to see one of the kids from Boy Meets World vomit blood.
It’s also nice to see the return of good old-fashioned gratuitous boobage, although the boobs on display here certainly don’t appear to be the old-fashioned kind. This is a welcome return to form for those of us who have weathered a decade of full-frontal-free dreck like “I Know What You Did Last Summer, And I Noticed It Did Not Include Removing Your Top”.
“Carrie,” Tue, Oct. 25, 11:45 p.m., AMC
Teenage outcast gets her first period and, with it, telekinesis. Teenage outcast goes to the prom and gets a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her. Teenage outcast flies into a rage and either crushes, burns, or electrocutes the entire student body and faculty. And still, it looks like a lot more fun than my prom.
To this day, I’m not sure whether Carrie finally snaps because she’s covered in blood, or because she’s just realized that she’s gone to the prom with The Greatest American Hero in a powder blue tux.
“Carrie” was the first, and probably remains the best, Stephen King film adaptation. There’s not a lot of gore to be found, but there are a number of really good scares. Piper Laurie gives one of the all-time great creepy performances as Carrie’s mother, and deservedly received a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for it. Then, of course, there’s the great final scene shocker. Today’s jaded audiences would see it coming from a mile away, but back in the day it was a real pant-loader.
“Dawn of the Dead,” Mon, Oct. 31, 8 p.m., Encore
This is not the classic George Romero sequel to “Night of the Living Dead” — my personal favorite horror film of all time, by the way — but the 2004 remake, which I haven’t seen. Apparently, all that it shares with the original is a name and a setting. Also, the zombies are the fast moving, agile variety, which aren’t really my cup of tea. As far as I’m concerned, if they don’t shamble, they ain’t zombies. They’re hairless, bipedal werewolves.
Still, I figured I’d give “Dawn of the Dead” a mention because I’ve been told that it’s actually quite good. Also, long-time TeeVee nemesis, Justin Louis, apparently gets chowed on by a zombie quite early in the film, which is something I’ve been wanting to see for a long, long time.
“Day of the Dead,” Sat, Oct. 15, 3 p.m., SciFi Channel
The zombie apocalypse has nearly reached its logical conclusion. We’re introduced to a handful of humans — the last ones? — who have holed up in an underground bunker to make their last stand. A group of soldiers hold the undead at bay while another group of scientists work to find some way to stop the zombies. When the militia discovers that the lead scientist is using dead soldiers in his experiments, the tentative relationship between the groups breaks down, and all hell breaks loose.
The third entry in the ___ of the Dead series is much maligned by fans for not living up to the precedent set by “Dawn”, but it’s still a pretty great movie. Romero’s zombie flicks are basically about two things: commenting on the state of humanity through not-so-subtle parallels with the walking dead, and showing as much unbelievably heinous gore as possible. I’ve learned more about human internal anatomy from zombie movies than I ever picked up in biology class.
“Day of the Dead”, with considerably more realistic zombies than the ones in “Dawn”, is arguably the grossest of the series. I have a hard time imagining what it will be like airing on SciFi. With the gore removed, it will probably be about three minutes long. It will also be not very good; the primary reason these weak, slow zombies are scary is because when they actually catch you, they tend to spread you around the room. So you might want to save this movie for your NetFlix queue.
“The Exorcist,” Mon, Oct. 31, 10 p.m., Cinemax
When you think about it, “The Exorcist” really shouldn’t be scary. What’s so unnerving about a young woman with a bad complexion sitting in her room? Also, vomiting up your dinner is apparently not all that unusual among the teenage girls these days. Come to think of it, I’ll bet a lot of pubescent girls experiment sexually with inanimate objects; maybe not so many with crucifixes, but you have to use whatever you have handy, right? And what kid hasn’t, at one point or another, asked her mother to kiss her boo boo?
That head spinning around 360 degrees thing, though, I’ll admit that’s pretty fucked up.
“Friday the 13th,” Sun, Oct. 23, 8:00 p.m., AMC
Critics have a tendency to dismiss all horror films as shamelessly pandering to the crudest elements of human nature. This could not be further from the truth. Even the basest slasher flick often carries some illuminating commentary on universal themes that bridge time and cultural contexts.
In the case of “Friday the 13th”, these themes are:
When you’re a camp counselor entrusted with the care of a retarded kid, don’t let him drown in the damned lake.
And
Stop that fucking, you kids, unless you want an axe to the face.
True, these are more or less the same themes that are expanded upon in every single slasher flick made in the eighties. The original “Friday the 13th”, however, stands out as actually being a pretty good movie.
For one thing, there’s a nice little mystery about the identity of the deranged killer. Unlike the many interchangeable sequels, we aren’t simply following around an unstoppable murderin’ machine as he carves through 8-12 cast members. That, coupled with some delightfully grotesque makeup effects, make this movie a whole lot scarier than most of its successors.
Also notable is the sublime performance put in by Betsy Palmer. Old school game show junkies will recognize Betsy as the sweet, demure girl next door who was a recurring panelist on I’ve Got a Secret. She’s slightly less demure in this movie. More importantly, she was also in “Mr. Roberts” with Henry Fonda, Jimmy Cagney, William Powell, and Jack Lemmon, which ought to make your next game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon one hell of a lot easier.
“The Fly,” Tue, Oct. 25, 10 p.m., Fox Movie Channel
This is the old black-and-white Vincent Price vehicle, the one you’ve all already seen half a dozen times. Still, I have to include it here because, even after all these years, just thinking about that ending gives me a cold, hard lump of solid dread in the pit of my stomach.
“Help meeee! Help meeee!”
Brrrrrrrrrr…
“Fright Night,” Sun, Oct. 30, 11 a.m., SciFi Channel
After a new neighbor moves in to the spooky old house next door, Charlie Brewster begins to notice weird activities going on over there. Specifically, prostitutes go in, and suspiciously bulky-looking Hefty bags come out. Eventually, Charlie witnesses the neighbor preparing to sink a nasty looking pair of fangs into a young lady’s neck. Charlie attempts to recruit the help of his friends and the host of a local horror TV show, played with ham and relish by Roddy McDowall. Of course, everybody assumes Charlie is off his meds, so Charlie gets out his cross and wooden stake and prepares to go after the vampire himself.
I remember catching “Fright Night” when it first made its rounds on cable and being very pleasantly surprised. Breaking away from the pack of indistinguishable eighties slasher flicks, somebody had made a clever, spooky, old school monster movie.
I watched it again a few nights ago, and was happy to discover that it’s still a lot of fun, although certain elements of it have not aged terribly well. The music, for instance, is some of the most awful synth pop I’ve ever heard, bad enough to ruin the atmosphere in several scenes. And the fashion is hilarious; at one point the vampire shows up at a local dance club wearing one of those Flashdance sweatshirts. Kind of takes the edge off that imposing vampiric persona, you know?
As is frequently the case with these older movies, you might notice a few familiar faces in the cast:
Herman’s Head fans — all eight of you — will recognize William Ragsdale, who played Herman, the guy with the head.
Married… With Children fans will recognize Amanda Bearse, who played the chicken-legged neighbor lady, Marcy. Here she plays Charlie’s girlfriend, who’s like a poster child for bad eighties clothing. At various times she’s seen wearing white suspenders, yellow hair bows, orange jumpsuits, pink leg-warmers, purple horseshoes… She looks like the aftermath of an explosion at a Flock of Seagulls concert.
And gay porn fans will recognize Stephen Geoffreys, who played himself in both “Butt Blazer” and “Mechanics Bi Day, Lube Job Bi Night”. Coincidentally, he also had a long, pointy length of wood hammered into him in both of those films. Kind of a niche market for the guy, I guess.
Oh, shut up. You know I looked that up on the IMDB.
“Ginger Snaps,” Sat, Oct. 22, 8 p.m., IFC
The fact that no U.S. distributor picked up this 2001 Canadian werewolf flick and gave it a wide release boggles my mind. Maybe the big studios simply didn’t think audiences in the States could relate to a movie that includes scenes of field hockey. Regardless, “Ginger Snaps” is the best horror movie I’ve seen in ten years. Maybe one of the best movies, period.
Ginger and her younger sister Brigitte are two teenage Goths who share an incredibly close bond. Like most Goths, they’re social misfits, and they spend a lot of time in their room fantasizing about death and Robert Smith. Meanwhile, some sort of wild animal is making the rounds of their suburban neighborhood, turning the local dogs into kibbles and bits. Ginger ends up getting mauled by the creature, coincidentally on the same night that she gets her first period. Soon afterward, she starts acting wild, dressing whorish, and expressing some pretty unnatural lusts. Have you spotted the metaphor yet?
The clueless adults naturally think that Ginger is just acting out because she’s on the rag. The school counselor’s solution is to tell Ginger to “play safe” and toss her a condom. Brigitte has her own suspicions, however, mostly centered on the fact that Ginger seems to be growing a tail.
“Ginger Snaps” is one of those exceedingly rare horror movies that does nearly everything right. It starts off as a dark teen comedy along the lines of “Heathers” or “Ghost World”, and eventually transitions into pure horror. Surprisingly, it excels in both genres. The script is funny and intelligent, and never so lazy as to fall back on tired stereotypes. The young lead actresses are absolutely superb; both are tasked with making their characters change in drastic ways during the film, and they pull it off brilliantly. Even the werewolf doesn’t look lame for a change.
“Ginger Snaps” is not overly gory; mostly just pools of blood and the occasional disassembled dog. It’s definitely scary and also thought provoking, using its twisted context to comment on modern society’s expectations of women and the many horrors inherent in growing up. I can’t recommend it highly enough.
“Ginger” has birthed two sequels, both of which also happen to be on TV this October. I haven’t seen either, but I’ve heard that neither lives up to the greatness of the original. Still, both feature the same two excellent leads, so they’re probably worth a look.
“Hellraiser,” Thu, Oct. 27, 8 p.m., AMC
“Hellraiser’s” story centers around a puzzle box that, when solved, “opens the door to a dimension of ultimate sensation.” That’s the theory, anyway; the reality is that when you open the box, hooks shoot out and rip your tits off. Then some really messed up looking guys called Cenobites show up and rip off the rest of you.
All-around sleaze ball Frank is one of the guys who successfully opened the box and was torn into tiny little bits. When Frank’s brother moves into the house where he died, blood is accidentally spilled and Frank somehow uses it to begin reassembling himself from scratch. Granted, he doesn’t have any skin, and he looks more like a moist, walking liver than a man, but you have to take one step at a time in these situations.
Frank’s next step is to convince his brother’s wife — with whom he once had a torrid affair — to provide him more fresh blood so that he can make himself a skin and stop leaving snail trails everywhere he goes. She’s more than happy to oblige, but she has to hurry, for the Cenobites will soon discover Frank’s escape and come to reclaim him.
Clive Barker’s most successful movie is hampered by some pretty dismal acting, a few terrible effects, and one unbelievably stupid looking puppet. Still, all is forgiven when Pinhead and the rest of the Cenobites arrive on the scene. The Cenobite designs are incredible, consisting of a weird amalgamation of mutilations and piercings. It’s a pity they aren’t in more of the movie since the parts without them drag a bit, but the fact that they’re used sparingly makes them that much more effective.
Despite its flaws, “Hellraiser” is a unique vision and a pretty freaky movie. It spawned a plethora of sequels, but “Hellraiser II” is the only one that’s worth a damn.
“Ju-On,” Mon, Oct. 10, 10 p.m., Showtime Beyond
Johnny Greenbaum was like any other teenager, until he accidentally drank from a bottle of radioactive Manischewitz. Now, whenever Johnny shouts his rallying cry, “Ju-On!” he becomes the Human Menorah, consumed by guilt and capable of keeping a small quantity of oil alight for eight days.
Okay, that’s not what “Ju-On” is about, but you totally know that’s what Showtime was thinking when they scheduled a showing on Rosh Hashanah.
“Ju-On” is actually an effective Japanese ghost story on which the recent Hollywood remake, “The Grudge”, was based. Japanese entertainment is known for not necessarily being heavy on the plot, and “Ju-On’s” storyline makes the plot of Super Mario Brothers look complex by comparison. A deranged guy kills his wife, kid, and cat. Anybody who goes to the house where the killing occurs dies, usually after being popped out at in some fashion by the ghosts of any of the above. Rinse. Repeat.
This does get a little repetitive. After a while, “Ju-On” feels a lot like watching the same episode of Night Gallery ten times in a row. Your enjoyment of the movie, therefore, will be roughly analogous to the number of times you were willing to read “Thank You Mario, But Our Princess Is In Another Castle” before you gave up and switched to Zelda.
Where “Ju-On” does succeed is in creating a supremely spooky atmosphere. Even if it wears thin eventually, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be creeped out for at least the first half of the film. There’s also almost no gore to speak of, so this is a good one for the squeamish.
Hopefully it will be aired in Japanese with subtitles, as the English dubbing is so bad it’ll make you think you’re watching a Godzilla movie. The little Japanese boy running around in shorts doesn’t help matters, either.
“Leprechaun,” Tue, Oct. 25, 3 p.m., SciFi Channel
The Irish folk myth of the leprechaun is commonly associated with a pot of gold. This movie belongs in a pot of a different kind. Frequently you’ll hear somebody describe a schlock movie as being “so bad it’s good.” “Leprechaun” is so bad it wraps around from bad to good, then goes all the way through good and on into bad again.
The only thing even remotely horrifying about this tale of a leprechaun, his stolen gold, and the completely retarded murders he commits in order to get it back, is that I once spent good money to sit through it in a theater. For God’s sake, we’re talking about a villain who’s so lame he can be effectively thwarted by throwing shoes at him. And while a non-scary horror film can sometimes be redeemed by gratuitous gore or T&A, this piece o’ crap has neither. Not even Jennifer Aniston’s then-brand-new implants can save the day, since you never get to see her take the wrapper off.
You do, however, get to see a midget going about a hundred miles an hour in a tiny little car. Which is pretty sweet.
Naturally, I love this film. But unless you have a group of idiots handy to go all Mystery Science Theatre on it, you should probably find something more constructive and enjoyable to do with your time, like pulling all the hairs individually out of your forearm.
“Maniac,” Mon, Oct. 31, 11 p.m., IFC
A pretty awful movie about a serial killer who chases down women and scalps them. Not exactly new ground for the genre, but “Maniac” seems to enjoy watching the killer go about his business just a bit too much. This isn’t a fun film by any means, but it does have lots of very realistic gore, including what is probably the pinnacle of exploding head scenes. If that sort of thing floats your boat, then have at it, sicko.
“Night of the Living Dead,” Thu, Oct. 27, 1:15 a.m., Encore Mystery
“Night of the Living Dead” is the “It’s A Wonderful Life” of horror films. Since George Romero accidentally left a copyright notice off his film, the movie has been released and re-released, played and overplayed, by every video company and independent television network on the planet. Because of “Night’s” ubiquity, and its black-and-whiteness, people tend to remember it as one of those B Movies from an era when Bela Lugosi leering at somebody from inside a wardrobe was considered the height of terror.
Well, it’s not. This granddaddy of the zombie genre is scary as hell, and still packs every bit of the wallop it unleashed on unsuspecting audiences in 1968.
The edited-for-television version that folks have been seeing all these years has done “Night of the Living Dead“‘s reputation no favors. “Night” is actually a very tense film, but TV’s frequent commercial breaks destroy it completely. Also, many people are probably not aware that there’s some pretty graphic imagery in the theatrical cut of the film. Seeing the zombies actually munching on entrails as they lumber through the darkness tends to up the ante a bit.
Like most of Romero’s films, “Night” is laced with provocative social commentary. How many films from the late sixties can you think of that feature a black man as the protagonist and don’t make a big deal about it? The fact that Duane Jones is black doesn’t even come in to play; the white folks look to him for guidance because he’s a natural leader and because he kicks some serious ass. Point being, when you’re being descended upon by an army of rotting, cannibalistic corpses, maybe the color of your skin doesn’t matter that much. Also, check out the montage of grainy shots over the closing credits, and see if it doesn’t remind you of those old lynching photos.
If you’ve only ever seen the edited version of the film — or by some unbelievably improbable turn of events, you’ve never seen any version of the film — give this theatrical cut a shot. It’s called a classic for good reason.
“A Nightmare On Elm Street,” Sat, Oct. 29, 12:30 a.m., Bravo
When most folks think of Freddy Krueger, they usually picture Robert Englund mugging for the camera and firing off some stupid one-liner. What people forget is that, before Freddy had his own action figure, breakfast cereal, and line of licensed red-and-green-striped underwear, he was one seriously scary son of a bitch.
The sequels were uniformly lame, but the first “Nightmare On Elm Street” is about as creepy as they come. A group of teenagers begin having dreams about a horribly scarred man with metal claws stalking them through a darkened boiler room. They don’t think much about it until one of them is ripped to shreds by the man in her dream and actually dies.
Freddy doesn’t crack wise in this movie, he mostly just lurks in the darkness and does freaky things. In one memorable scene, as Freddy walks down a wide hallway, his arms stretch out to ridiculous lengths so he can scrape his claws down the wall. There’s also a great bit where a girl looks out the door of her classroom and sees her bloody friend standing there in a body bag.
If it’s been a while since you’ve seen “Nightmare”, give it another whirl. It’s much better than you remember it.
“The People Under the Stairs,” Tue, Oct. 18, 2 a.m., HBO Plus
To be honest, I don’t know how the hell to explain this bizarre Wes Craven flick. It’s partly slapstick comedy, partly horror, partly awkward social commentary, and partly one seriously messed up episode of Diff’rent Strokes. One thing it definitely is not is remotely frightening. The first time I watched it, I spent the first thirty minutes of the film thinking that it was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen. But it grew on me in spite of myself, and by the end I discovered that I’d enjoyed the movie a lot.
The story goes as follows. A sassy black boy from the ghetto discovers that his family is going to be evicted by their evil landlords. Soon afterwards, a sadly underused Ving Rhames learns that the landlords have stashed — I shit you not — a horde of gold coins in their house, so Ving ropes the boy into helping him burglarize the joint. Upon breaking in, they discover not only that their landlords are David Byrne and Julia Roberts’ mother, but also that there’s an emaciated Fabio locked up in the basement along with a bunch of extras from the asylum scene in Gymkata. After Ving is unceremoniously dispatched, the boy must find a way to escape, and find a way to save the landlords’ daughter before she too ends up… under the stairs!
This premise could actually make for a pretty scary film, but the landlords are so over the top that it’s impossible to take them seriously. The small amount of gore is more comic book-y than realistic. And the kid never seems to be particularly disturbed by any of what he’s witnessing, even when the landlord carves up Ving in front of him and uses him as Fabio feed.
Perhaps the best way to describe “The People Under The Stairs” is to call it a twisted modern fairly tale. It’s the kind of film the Brothers Grimm might have made if they were given cameras, a decent budget, and half a sheet of the brown acid. If you can hang with that concept, you might end up digging the movie. I’ve certainly never seen another one quite like it.
“Prince of Darkness,” Tue, Oct. 25, 11 p.m., SciFi Channel
A group of grad students and a priest discover, in the basement of an old church, the physical manifestation of the son of Satan; which, as it turns out, is a gigantic glass tank full of Scope mouthwash. Apparently, while Old Scratch spends most of his time on murder, destruction, and the corruption of human souls, his son concerns himself primarily with eliminating the germs that can cause gingivitis.
By applying quantum physics, somehow the students determine that Satan, Jr. is trying to pull his papa into our world from another dimension. His plan is to use the students for his evil ends by squirting himself into their mouths, simultaneously turning them into zombies and invigorating them with a burst of minty freshness.
As stupid as all that sounds, this late eighties John Carpenter film is quite creepy. The church has a truly eerie atmosphere to it, especially when an army of the homeless led by Alice Cooper forms outside, standing silently on the perimeter and killing anyone who tries to escape. There’s also this bizarre, repeated dream sequence that for some reason never fails to make the hair on my neck stand on end.
Some good makeup effects, a great ending, and another moody John Carpenter synthesizer score make this one highly recommended.
“The Prophecy,” Sun, Oct. 16, 12 a.m., Encore
I haven’t seen this film or any of its sequels, but I’m going to recommend it anyway because it stars Christopher Walken as the Angel Gabriel. What could possibly go wrong with that setup? Not enough cowbell?
“The Serpent and the Rainbow,” Wed, Oct. 12, 5:15 p.m., Cinemax
Wes Craven’s most ambitious film is part political thriller, part cautionary tale about messing with practitioners of black voodoo. Bill Pullman plays an anthropologist who travels to Haiti to investigate rumors of a drug used by voodoo bokors to turn people into zombies. Not surprisingly, he quickly runs afoul of those same bokors, who are naturally suspicious that anyone would tap Bill Pullman to play an anthropologist.
Although more trippy than scary, “The Serpent and the Rainbow” does have some sublimely eerie moments. It also goes pretty light on the gore, and its relatively intelligent treatment of the subject matter makes it come off as a thinking man’s horror flick.
Warning to men: There’s a scene in this movie that will make your balls crawl up so high into your torso, they’ll clog your sinuses.
Warning to all: If you have at least one complete jackass in your home, be advised that this movie contains the line, “Don’t let them bury me! I’m not dead!” This wouldn’t be remarkable in itself, except that Bill Pullman’s reading is so over the top you’re guaranteed to be constructing wacky puns around it for weeks to come. For example: “Don’t let them sleep in me! I’m not bed!” Or: “Don’t let me host ‘Dance Fever!’ I’m not Adrian Zmed!” You can see where this might be a problem.
“Them!,” Tue, Oct. 25, 5 AM, Cinemax #2
No list of horror movies is complete without at least one tale of normally diminutive creatures turned gargantuan by the ravages of evil radiation. Not only is “Them!” the quintessential giant ant movie, it’s also an informative historical document of the kind of stuff environmentalists used to warn us about before they came up with global warming.