Falling Upward
Inexplicably, NBC has promoted Jeff Zucker to a position of awesome power, overseeing its entire broadcast and cable television operation. I say “inexplicably” not because Jeff Zucker isn’t a nice guy who observes the speed limit and pays his fair share of taxes and is quick with a joke or a thoughtful-though-not-at-all-obsequious compliment about his superior’s choice of ties. Rather, I find this development inexplicable because usually one associates promotions with rewards for accomplishments and unfettered success. Zucker’s track record, first as NBC’s programming chief and later as head of the network, has been one of sustained failure.
Under Zucker’s tenure, NBC has long since ceded its spot at the top of the network heap to CBS. It’s now the no. 3 network in prime time, with Fox breathing down The Peacock’s neck. One-time ratings juggernauts like Friends and Frasier have aged, died, and faded away without any strapping, young bucks to take their place. One of the few hits of the Zucker era, The Apprentice, has been watered down by an ill-advised spin-off and lost its pop-culture buzz. Now the NBC lineup is associated primarily with interchangeable Law & Order repeats and that show where one of the Arquette sisters solves crimes with the help of dead people.
But I guess Jeff Zucker keeps his desk clean. And he’s a warm body. So up the corporate ladder he goes.
If this is the sort of charmed life Jeff Zucker leads, one can only imagine what good fortune awaits him in this latest endeavor…
March 17, 2006Burbank, Calif. — NBC Universal today named Jeff Zucker, CEO of its television group, as the successor to outgoing chairman and CEO Bob Wright.
The move was a surprise to many in the television industry, since NBC recently fell to sixth place in the ratings, behind even the upstart WB and UPN networks. In several major markets, NBC shows are routinely trounced by competition from other networks, Spanish-language channels, UHF stations showing 24-hour-a-day infomercials, and public access TV.
NBC Universal’s cable operations have not fared much better. The company was forced to shutter its under-performing MSNBC network earlier this month after several major cable operators dropped it in favor of channels dedicated to badminton, Canadian parliament simulcasts and reruns of the 1980s TV drama Matt Houston. NBC Universal is also mulling a merger of its Bravo and USA channels, featuring a lineup built entirely around episodes of Monk and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
“We’ll have Monk join the Fab Five and go around telling straight men how to dress and groom themselves,” Zucker said. “And, of course, the Fab Five will help Monk solve crimes,” Zucker said.
“That was my idea,” he added proudly.
Reversing NBC Universal’s fortunes will be an uphill battle for the new chairman and CEO. A recent demographic survey found NBC trailing badly in the attractive 18-to-44-year old category; the network, however, was tops among shut-ins, mordantly obese viewers who had lost their remote controls shortly after tuning into NBC, and members of the Arquette family.
Still, Wright believes he’s found a solid successor.
“Jeff always seems so polite when I pass him the hallway,” Wright said. “And interviewing outside candidates is such a hassle. So I thought, ‘What the hell?’”
Zucker said his first act as NBC Universal chairman would be to order another Law & Order spinoff.
“Really, it’s easier than breathing for me at this point,” he added.
June 23, 2006Burbank, Calif. — A series of programming missteps won’t stand in the way of NBC Universal CEO Jeff Zucker being named president of parent company General Electric, a company spokesman said today.
As head of NBC Universal’s television operations, Zucker was responsible for ordering a three hour block of World’s Biggest Loser episodes to run on Thursday nights. The resulting ratings plunge cost the network millions in lost ad revenue. Upon stumbling across Zucker’s programming block, 26 people in four cities leapt to their deaths. A representative of the International Court has vowed to investigate Zucker and NBC Universal for evidence of possible crimes against humanity.
“Look, everyone makes mistakes,” GE Chairman Jeffrey R. Immelt said. “Jeff’s made several dozen. We’re pretty sure he’s about bagged his limit by now.”
“Besides,” the executive added. “He’s so punctual and well-prepared at meetings.”
October 5, 2006New York — General Electric was delisted from the New York Stock Exchange, and its assets were seized by federal investigators after an ill-advised decision by President Jeff Zucker to expand its defense contracting operations by doing business with rogue nations.
“I had no idea that was even illegal,” Zucker said at a hastily called press conference. “I mean, when the president of Iran asks you to help get his nuclear operations off the ground, a good businessman knows not to ask too many questions.”
This disatrous turn of events caps of a long-slide for GE that began when Zucker’s first act as president was to sell off the company’s lucrative appliance business to fund a new effort making and selling artisan cheeses.
“Anyone can sell you a lightbulb,” Zucker said at the time. “But who doesn’t love themselves a good gruyere or even a wedge of stilton?”
“Mmmmm,” Zucker added. “Stilton.”
While many industry analysts were appalled by GE’s declining fortunes, most expected Zucker to land on his feet. “He has very good phone manners,” an analyst with Lehman Brothers said. “And he always asks about my family. That means a lot, you know?”
Indeed, Zucker appears to have landed on his feet, having been tapped by the Bush Administration to oversee its reconstruction efforts in Iraq.
“If we got rid of people who were abject failures at everything they attempted, you people would have voted me out of office two years ago,” President Bush said at Zucker’s introductory press conference, earning laughter and polite applause from White House staffers.
“No, seriously,” the President added, “I totally suck at this gig.”
December 12, 2006Baghdad — In a stunning reversal, former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was acquitted of war crime charges and reinstated as leader of the country he once ruled with an iron fist.
The acquital was blamed on a decision by Bush Administration official Jeff Zucker’s decision to rest the case against Hussein without presenting any formal evidence.
“It didn’t seem that critical at the time,” Zucker said. “Live and learn, I guess.”
A triumphant Hussein immediately announced plans to roll back Iraq’s tentative moves toward democracy. Also, the reinstalled Iraqi strongman appears to have obtained launch codes for the U.S. arsenal of nuclear weapons.
“Yeah, that may have been my bad, too,” Zucker said.
This latest blunder apparently won’t prove costly to Zucker, who was immediately assumed bodily into Heaven where he was expected to sit at God’s right hand.
“Jeff never took My name in vain,” said God, who plans to tap Zucker to head the ultimate battle between Good and Evil.
Satan, who doubled over in laughter upon hearing the news, could not be reached for comment.